Christmas eve thoughts

2014 is a bitch. I've gone through a lot with frustrations in my career, long distance relationship and yeah, friendships.

But despite of everything I am but thankful of those struggles and misunderstandings. I have realized that years of being together is really not the basis for keeping the relationship. Some people are only there with you to know how you are doing and to make them feel better of themselves.

Some people are there with you to have the satisfaction that they are more fortunate or you are less compared to them.

That's the problem about me. Wala akong masamang tinapay sa tao na pinili kong kaibiganin o mahalin. What you see is what you get. I am not the person who will please everybody. I am choosy of people. If I don't feel the person, I will not make that person feel that we're close.

And when I found a person, I am all but blind in giving the attention and love I can give. All out. With no hesitations. That I understand is, well, saddening because not all people are like me.

In my 25 years, I know I am not perfect. I have my flaws and weaknesses. Real people who love me understand, accept me whole-heartedly and reprimand me in my face if necessary.

I appreciate those people because that's when I know they're true. I commit mistakes and act rude sometimes but at the end of the day, I will ask for an apology to those I have offended. And really sincerely mean every word.

I have realized that I don't really need many friends as long as they are true and dependable. I will leave all the bad vibes of 2014 and when I start the new year I will be more positive and optimistic.

I will come home next year. Oo good luck talaga sakin! Haha

Throwback Thursday

Throwback October 2008.

When exams were seemed to be unlimited. After so many sleepless nights, drinking energy drinks and coffees before taking so many final exams, of which most of them were for removals and yet at the end is a grade of 5. Sweet! Bittersweet!

Same feeling as of today. I feel numb of receiving rejection notices. It's so painful that I barely feel it anymore. Maybe this is my karma for leaving my former boss last year. Leaving HVCDP became my scapegoat. And I was a coward. 

I didn't have the guts to redeem myself instead I moved to another office like I was very lucky and boastful of my position. And yet where am I? I wasn't even happy. 

Sometimes I am thinking of just resigning for many reasons that my boss promised me beforehand. But then, I am empty-handed. I can't leave just like that. Broke and nowhere to go.

2015, please be good to me. I have had enough of 2014 misery.

December ❤

We have come to the last chapter of 2014. I'm kinda happy and quite sad at the same time. Yeah, all I wished was this year to end so fast but at the end of the day it makes me cringe because it felt like I've wasted huge amount of time!

I was really frustrated yesterday because aside from super stress at the office, my plans for my boyfriend's birthday were all flopped. It started with the failure to send the Cavs jerseys (which apparently are imitation, that's why lol) then everything else was a failure!

I tried greeting him at exactly 12:00 AM because I wanted to be the first to greet him on his birthday but yeah. He was already asleep. Ugh!

Then, the courier service in Perth failed to deliver him the package. Raaaaawr! There was no one at home according to the tracking service when I checked.

So there, I was forced to tell him the surprise. Tsk. He scheduled the delivery on Wednesday because he has his Speaking Test today. I was really really frustrated because last year was perfect! I want to be involved on his birthday despite our distance. I want him to be happy.

But what surprised me was him being touched by all my efforts. I joked him I sent him a pair of shoes, he was enraged! HAHAHAHAHA. Of course, I expected his reaction to be like that. At first, he didn't believe me for me to really have done that but I insisted. And yeah, I was busted again because he really knows that I won't really do that anyway. Lol

A call or text from me would be much appreciated, he said. He doesn't really want me to give him gifts because he knows how expensive the shipping fee is. I was really touched because he instilled in me that I do not have to spend so much just to make him happy. I was frustrated that day because I thought I failed surprising him on his birthday but the truth is, I was really the one who was surprised.

His simplicity and contentment make me love him even more. I knew from the start that he's really THE ONE. He's not perfect and we fight a lot but being able to stick with each other, the commitment, is the most important in strengthening our relationship.

Ramblings

I should be reading by now in preparation for my technical examination for tomorrow. Yeah. Another shot for a new employment. Honestly, I don't feel like taking the exam because of:

1. I am scared of being rejected again. I am so tired of it.
2. I am too lazy to read. I can't comprehend a thing!
3. I am not ready for tomorrow.
4. I don't know if I can make it to the next cut.

And I have a long list in my mind I am lazy to enumerate them. I just don't feel motivated. My self-esteem has been decreasing lately because of unsuccessful job-hunting.

And my latest realization towards my boyfriend..

As I was ranting to him awhile ago, instead of encouraging me, he made me feel more guilty of everything unfortunate that has happened to me. I know he wanted me to push harder but the way he said things, it's as if everything is my fault. Then I realized...

I was never really part of his plans. He promised me a lot of things but none of them had a specific date. I feel cold to him after our conversation because to be honest our talks became repetitive and routinary. No more interesting, funny or deep conversations with him anymore. It's always me who always do the talking and missing. I am the one who constantly bugs him for video calls or voice calls.

..that makes me feel sad. I thought if I had a partner he'd be the one I can turn to first. He will encourage me and will never give up on me. He will always be excited to hear my voice. He will always wanted me to be happy.

Then, I am totally wrong. I just need to find myself, again. After I have fully established myself, I know I can be finally be on my own. I won't be needing someone else's assurance. 

I am unsure of him. Again. 

Way to Happiness

Happy that October is finally over. It's one tough month. The toughest of 2014 so far.

I welcomed my November boozing at Paseo de Sta. Rosa and scuba diving in Batangas. It was what I really needed. I needed a break from all the stress and BS of everything.

I was into job-hunting and unfortunately, I was not successful in landing a new decent job. I really hate my job now to the point that I am always absent that I do not care how much will be left in my pay slip. 

I. NEED. TO. GET. AWAY. FROM. HERE.

BADLY.

Okay. Going back to my diving experience. It was unforgettable! It was soooo fun that I almost found myself in the depths of the sea!Maybe I was that worried that our diving instructor noticed how lost I was. He talked to me and I opened up to him with no hesitation.

The problem was I do not know what I really want in life now. So he gave me tips on how to be in my path to happiness. He told me to list down things that make me happy in ten days. No matter how shallow or weird those things are. Knowing them should give me an idea where would it lead me. And of course, FOCUS. I should learn how to trade off things in order to achieve a goal. 

So for now, I would be listing down things that make me happy in no particular order:

1. Eating my favorite food (sashimi, Dear Darla pizza, kebab, tacos, nachos, hakaw, salad, ice cream, yoghurt)
2. Drinking beer with friends
3. Singing in a crowd
4. Singing in a chorale
5. Traveling to beautiful places
6. Doing extreme activities (skywalking, extreme rides..)
7. Watching heartfelt/ tear-jerker movies
8. Watching kilig drama
9. Putting on make-up
10. Me hair-free (Going to the waxing salon)
11. New-do, nice nails (Going to the salon)
12. Super sarap na masahe!!!
13. Eating dark chocolates
14. Watching live concerts of cool and favorite artists
15. Watching live basketball game
16. Watching Isser play basketball (hihi)
17. Waking up next to Isser
18. Wrapping my arms around Isser's arm
19. Sniffing Isser's armpit
20. Hearing Isser's voice
21. Seeing Isser on Skype
22. Being with Isser
23. Sleeping next to Isser
24. Listening to music that fits my mood
25. Dancing
26. Going to the beach
27. Dumb talks with my friends
28. Deep conversations
29. Watching horror movies with friends
30. Bonding with cousins
31. Forehead kisses
32. Surprise hugs
33. SURPRISES
34. Receiving flowers
35. Receiving gifts
36. Being serenaded
37. Handwritten letters/notes
38. Sniffing Isser's scent
39. Cuddling
40. Christmas
41. Summer
42. Cute earrings
43. Done brows
44. Eyes lash extensions
45. Lola's jokes
46. Pink Gerbera
47. Warm shower
48. New and fresh sheets
49. Learning new food recipes
50. Light traffic when commuting 

...to be continued ;)

“You may be waiting in this season of your life for God to bring the right person. Or you may be wondering if the person you’re dating is the right person. He will do it. He will reveal it. In the meantime, be what you’re looking for.”

Never too late :)

It was my choice to let 2014 pass just like an unwanted page in my journey book. It was as if I wasn’t allowed to have fun after my boyfriend went to Australia. Well, it’s all on me. No one to blame of my “misery”. 

Until this day, I woke up and realized how much time I've wasted by that stupid decision.  I let myself hang in waiting for my boyfriend’s return. I don’t even have a clue when is when? Honestly, our relationship lately became rocky. Almost every week we have fights and misunderstandings. To the point that it becomes consuming..

I realized that my world doesn't have to stop while waiting for him. I need to enjoy my Me-Time. I realized, I have so much things to enjoy alone. I love him, yes, but there are things I need to explore myself. I need to enjoy my youth. I have so much to do for my career development and self-actualization. The distance between us and time of separation should be made productive and be positive. I should use them in improving myself.

Lately, I've become a home buddy after my grandmother was admitted to the hospital and got sick. For I don’t know reason, I am enjoying being domesticated. Watching TV, eating beside my lola.

Recently, I've been into cooking dishes and I am proud to say that I am getting good at it. HAHA.

My roommate and I inquired in a gym near our dorm. It’s actually affordable compared to famous gyms here in Manila. I am decided to enroll to have a new environment and to make myself busy so I would not be clingy to my boyfriend anymore. Lol.

Aside from that, my friends who are currently studying Masteral in UP Manila encouraged me to join the bandwagon and yeah finally fulfill my dreams: To join a chorale group!!!

Yes. It was a dream long time ago. Almost old-aged with my ideal boyfriend dreams. Haha. I cannot believe that I can actually make this materialize since I've graduated by Bachelor’s degree! But now, with this new hope I know it’s never too late!

It gives me a new drive and inspiration every day.  Like what I always say, “What I want, I definitely get”. Just don’t mind the time frame. HAHAHAHA

I am so excited for 2015!!!! ^_____^

Indifference

Overdue. Verdict? Stop this nonsense.

I have allotted ample time for him to prove himself (only without him knowing though). I'm getting tired of his daily shit. Of him not putting me on his priority list. Yes he spends time with me. He texts me from time to time but I WANT SOMETHING ELSE. I WANT MORE.

I want him to be mushy for me. I want him to surprise me. I expect a lot yesterday but that was it. The money he sent me for me to buy what I want was already gone. There was no sense of "personalization". Though I felt special in a way BUT I WAS REALLY EXPECTING MORE!!!

What really upsets me was finding out this morning of him greeting his stupid frat its anniversary with the change of cover and display photo and all! I know it's petty BUT.. SERIOUSLY??? He didn't even greet me on Facebook???

I am really disappointed. Frustrated. I just want to have a normal romantic relationship. Why is it so hard to get? Am I really that bad to deserve this kind of life???

I shouldn't be whining now. I had realizations when I turned 25. I was happy and really contented with my life..supposedly until he ruined everything.

I don't want to settle for less anymore. I don't deserve sacrificing my own happiness all for him. I am just tired. Truly tired. 

I cannot bring this up because I know this will trigger a fight. I know him so well. He is a varsity in blaming game. All these shit will just be reverted back to me.

So, what now? Ignore. Kakaurat na.

Happy Birthday?

Looking back at my previous birthdays, I was excited preparing them. After graduation, I had this annual celebration of my birthday at home. I invite few friends over and let them mingle with my closest relatives.

But this year is different. Despite it's my 25th, I don't feel any excitement at all. Ever since my boyfriend went to Australia, my happiness has gone a bit. My lifestyle has totally changed! I used to be an outgoing person but now I am only at home during weekends. I merely go out to see movies nor at least see my friends. No more weekend gimmicks. No more beers and late night chats. NOT. SO. ME.

I had this feeling of guilt when I am having a good time with other people. I don't know. I don't even "enjoy" the moment. It's still incomplete.

Maybe that's human nature. We can never be contented. When I was with boyfriend, I used to crave for my "freedom". But now I have ALL the time, I dunno. I just don't feel it.

I need to spice up my life. It became soo boring. As much as I wanted to go out or plan travel, it just becomes luxurious and I just left being broke. So might as well, stuck myself at home. And not to disregard so much bills to be prioritized. Whew! Poor me!

Quarter-life crisis? Please Lord show me enlightenment. Huhu

Lol

Who was I kidding?

Let's see until when

I'm not really good at hiding my feelings. I am in wrath right now. It's really absurd it is the person you love who you could hate the most.

I said to myself, I need to have some pride. I need to resist him just to teach him a lesson. And I am praying hard that I'll be able to do it successfully. Because he is my weakness and I am not sure of myself if I could really do it.

It's so unfair he'd treat me that way. And I tolerate him? I really don't know why of all people, why I cannot have control over him. I mean, at least control myself.

I become powerless. He becomes fabricating bitch. And to tell honestly, I never trusted him anyway. That's really really vague. How can you love someone you don't fully trust?! Like seriously???

This LDR thing truly consumes me! I thought I finally got used to it but then I realized... He is a bad investment. I think it's time for me to wake up with this "ideal" dream. We're really not going anywhere.

I won't let him do it to me again. I've had enough. I gave him everything that I could. And now, pride is all I have. I wouldn't waste it for him.

I'll be on hiatus. I need to have some time alone. Just offline maybe. Good thing S5 has blocking feature. It's really useful. Let's see what happens next. Because I am really tired. He didn't let me talk? Then he wouldn't let me talk to him ever again.

Hello new hair ;)

So I had my hair cut again. Oops. Haha.

                                                       Hazel Grace Lancaster. Not. HAHA


I'd sworn to myself that I will never cut my hair short ever again. Not until last year. And last Sunday. Lol.
Actually, there's no big deal. It wasn't like the first time I had cut my hair out of depression or something like that. I was just B-O-R-E-D. Was I?

Okaaaay. The story behind the last year's cut was, uhmm. HAHAHAHA. FALSE ALARM!

You see. I really had a long hair last year. But I had plans of having a haircut already because you know long hair is very difficult to maintain. You need lots of amount of shampoo and conditioner. You comb it. That is very tedious for me, by the way. And I hate falling hair!!! And other concerns that pester me.

Ugggh. It's soooo not easy being a girl. Add the PMS every month that I must say the reason behind this cutting. I had this urge of getting hair-free (but not bald) literally.

                                                                   Bye Long Hair!!!

                                                                  The Super Short Hair



So going back, uhmmm. My boyfriend and I had a petty fight. We were talking via SMS and then all of a sudden, he was unattended. I couldn't reach him. I was really furious. So to calm myself down, I went to Bench Fix and fixed myself. Lol.

And when I arrived at the dorm, he texted and said that he fell asleep! WHAT THE??!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So there. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I was kinda stupid because I let my feelings eat me. Like ALL THE TIME. I know. It's really shallow. Oh well. No regrets. I'm still happy because at least the preparation time going work is lessened.

I think girls who have short hair are bolder. I believe that hair is everyone's crowning glory and losing it is like making less them of a woman. Not for me. I don't want to be just like the other girls. You can also see the a girl's personality through her hair. Super straight hair and curly-haired girls are high maintenance women. Me, I just want to be care-free. Wash-and-wear hair allows me to move swiftly especially in the morning or whenever I have plans of going out. I don't like preparing too long. As they say, I am not a girl prepping.

As for last Sunday, honestly I was feeling disappointed with some people that's why I needed to pamper myself. Unfortunately, the idea of pampering was the Korean Salon in SM Calamba. Impulsively, I entered the salon and agreed to have a makeover.

Just like that, my hair is short again. Lol.

Though I love the feeling of having a short hair, I think I need to let my hair grow longer this time. I need to be girly-girly just a little bit. HAHAHA. K.

And I told myself before my boyfriend left that I will not cut my hair until he arrives. I miss him terribly. :(

Father Issues

I kinda feel sad today and awkward. Yes, I still have my father but it doesn't feel like it. You know, he'll be forever my first love since I WAS really a daddy's girl when I was still a kid until he met his second wife, five years after my mom passed away. Everything changed after that...

I still remember how I idolized him. How high my respect for him for raising us his two kids on his own and gave us everything we need back then. How I loved him that much. How we exchanged "I love yous" and kissed each other. But that was LONG TIME AGO.

Through him I learned that I can trust no man, ever. I had this thought until I fell in love at 20. I risked everything even though I had this fear. I even told him my fear. And that only man who I gave my whole heart to, also broke it into pieces. He didn't fail me. 

To be honest, I didn't need any man in my life, I thought so. I know I am independent and brave and can handle things my own. Having a man in my life only weakens me. It gives me a reason to be fragile and be dependent. 

You might be thinking what now? Currently, I am in a relationship of more than a year and almost half a year LDR. You see. That's what saddens me today. Frightens me to be exact. Today's celebration re-triggers that fear. And I am really scared right now that I don't know how to handle this.

I'm scared that he might leave me just like them. That if I told him about this, it would put pressure on him and leave me as well. I'm scared that if he finally knows my weakness, he'll use it against me. That he'll overpower me with that weakness and I'll end up being..weak. 

I prayed to God for that man. To heal my broken heart from the previous relationship. I am also praying that he'll also be the person to heal my wounds from my father's. Each moment that we fight, I can't help but question if I really am in the right relationship. Or if eventually not, is he really worth another pain.

My father leaving us really made a mark to me. Or should I say trauma? As this day ends, may this fear just good for today. I don't want to live my life scared and not trying. I want to have kids and how can I achieve that dream by not having a husband with me. I know its too early to say but  to quote Lemony Snicket,

“If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”

One step closer

Years ago, my ultimate dream was to work for this certain company. It was my ultimate dream since..high school, I think? And as mentioned from my earlier blogs, when I wanted something, by all means and how much long I will able to achieve it, I get it.

Sounds scary? Haha. But yeah. That's me. Until I graduated from my dream university and my dream company didn't materialize.There was no way I was able to get in there though I have lots of contacts. It's just that the "timing"wasn't perfect that time. Until I forgot about it. My dream company became one of my forgotten memories.

I'm in my quarter life already and just like everyone else, I am into this "crisis". I've left my previous job for the new boss who is my fraternity brother. I can say that I am happy but not that "happy". I miss the challenge when I was in HVCDP. I miss the travels and the people. And believe it or not, yes, I also miss my ex-boss.

Coincidence? A friend of mine mentioned to me that her position is available in that company. OMG!!! Is this a sign????  Despite the emotional dilemmas I have inside, I updated my resume and sent it to her as she instructed. My boss' term is only less than two years (PNoy's) and he's been really kind to me. But I just gave it a try. For once in my life, I'd be able to prove to myself that I CAN be near that dream.

Actually up to now, I'm still undecided but I really have to choose. I"m confused of getting that job because:

1.  Courtesy to my brod 
2. The schedule of leave next year when Isser decides to take a vacation. Because with my current boss who is lenient and very understanding I can take at most two weeks for this. 
3. Weight and schedule of work. Much to my comfort, the 6-day work schedule is really not for me. Though I am trained to difficult and stressful assignments, I don't think I can give up my Saturdays. 
4. Location. If ever I get hired, I have to move out from the dorm since it's out of way already. I don't want to torture myself from the Hells of MRT 3 or the Hells of EDSA if I commute from Laguna everyday. This is just hassle.
5. No holiday on my birthday. If I get hired then, no more QC day! All plans ruined for my 25th! :(

But a voice inside my heart speaks of the forgotten dream to be remembered and help myself get out of this comfort zone. The comfort zone of being dependent to my boyfriend's decisions and to where I feel un-insecure. 

I'd like to take a chance for that dream. Ika nga, testing lang. Wala namang mawawala. Kung para sakin, para sakin. If not, at least I tried. :)

Few words

I am a very transparent person. I cry when I feel like crying. And by crying I mean like a baby crying! I am easily amused and my happiness is surely shallow. That's how true I am to myself. I don't need anybody's approval of my behavior or whatsoever. Yes I know my thinking won't make me loved by people around me but at least I know I'm not fooling them..and myself.

That's why I am saddened when a person close to my heart accused me of being fake. Of using her. Well, as I said I do not have to defend myself because my conscience is clean. Her harsh words against me were really degrading and demoralizing. At first, I only thought of it as her outburst of anger but it's been two weeks now and she still doesn't want to talk to me in person.

I feel sorry for her. She was devoured by the blindness of being her as the "victim". Well, I have done everything I could do to save our friendship. It's all in her hands now.

For everything that happened, I am not regretting any of it. Maybe this is the way for her to realize what has really "changed". I just wish her all good luck and best of health to her whole family. Because karma has its own way of bitching. And that must be really to be afraid of.


Saddening but that must be really it. Truth really does hurt. If our friendship is the price to pay for her to change or just to wake her up from this ''dream", then so be it.

VIP

I think it’s the best time for me to talk about my relationship with my “Ideal Boyfriend”. It’s been a month since he left the Philippines for Australia and less than a month before we turn one! Yay!

It was last year. Hopia pako sa ex ko. Kasi nagmeet pa kami nung January nung  kinuha ko yung pasalubong ko from her ate nung nagpunta sya ng Bahrain. Nirereto nako ng batchmate ko sa soro sa brod ng asawa nya na SChemEs din. “Dati”raw Chemeng at nurse. Hearing those, medyo di nako naging interisado. Kasi sa isip-isip ko baka puchu-puchu lang na school sya galing. Oo. It matters to me. Tapos pinakita ang Facebook profile. Pagtingin ko bang! Gwapo.. nung katabi! Si Marvin Cruz pala yun! Akala ko sya eh. So nung nakita ko sya. AYOKO. Lol.

Until I went to my sorority’s anniv party February. I met him there. Ang una kong impresyon sakanya: Manyak. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sumali rin kasi sya sa body shot game kaya medyo na-off ako.  Hanggang sa matapos ang program and finally we were able to get introduced formally. Nakakatawa! Kaboses nya kasi si Robin Padilla na idol raw nya at forever nya ko tinatawag na “Maám”. Ewan ko pero sobrang ma-appeal sya sa personal. Tas macho pa sya! Lol. Imagine? We were in a party and we talked about religion! Muslim raw kasi ang daddy nya at Catholic naman ang mommy nya. Tinanong ko kasi kung naniniwala sya sa Dyos ang sagot nya sakin eh “Oo pero hindi kay Jesus Christ”.

Dun ako nagpanting at nasabi ko na “Wala ka kasing Christian formation!” Kasi galing syang Rural etc. Dun na sya nagsalita na”Excuse me maám galing po akong Ateneo de Davao. 2 years po akong may Theo.”At dun ko na sya nagustuhan. Hehe. We talked almost everything about him. His orgs, his hobbies. Apprently, Tau pala sya at nagbabasketball. Check na check na sa bucket list ko. Minus the naggigitara na requirement. Lol. He talked about his very horrible past and how he was able to bounce back. First meeting palang naming yun pero lahat ng negative nya, sinabi na nya sakin kaagad. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko natanggap lahat ng yun. Tapos nagkwento na sya tungkol sa plano nya. Na plano nga nyang mag-Australia. Upon hearing that, medyo nalungkot ako. Kasi “Oh? Aalis ka naman pala eh?” Tsaka nya sinabi na “Bakit? Di ko ba pwedeng isama yung magiging special sakin dun?”Tas dedma nako. Lol

Malay ko ba na magiging kami??? Malay ko ba na ako pala yung magiging special na tinutukoy nya nun???

Our relationship is just steady. We’re not your usual couple who annoys you on Facebook and in public. We don’t even hold hands whenever we’re walking. We don’t cuddle. We don’t text every minute of the day. We don’t have vanity pics together. Maybe because he’s old enough para magpa-tweetums. I dunno. I get used to it na hindi na rin ako naghahanap. He’s not expressive unlike me na sobrang lambing. Pero okay lang. Natanggap ko. Kasi pag nagexpress naman sya astig lang pero ikamamatay ko naman sa kilig. Minsanan pero sobrang hindi makakalimutan.

Sobrang hirap din nung set-up naming last year kasi budget-wise di naman sya ganun ka well-off. Maliit lang ang sahod ng nurse sa Elbi. Usually ako yung sumasagot. Hindi naman pwedeng ako lang ang mag-date diba? Lol. Masaya na masakit sa bulsa. Sobrang pigang piga talaga ko nun tapos halos lahat ng free time ko, sakanya ko talaga dinedicate. Inom. Date. Basketball. Sleep. At some point, parang nakakapagod. Nakakaumay. Hanggang sa dumating na nagsawa nako sa lahat ng burdens ko sa buhay ko at pinili kong makipag-break just to get away. Sobrang na-guilty rin ako nun kasi masyado akong naging makasarili. Hindi nga naman sya nambabae o nagloko. Inintindi ko rin na yung mga circumstance at reasons nya. Tapos narealize ko…Hindi ko pala kaya. L

Hinabol ko sya. Kinain ko ang pride ko. Mabuti nalang mahal nya talaga ko at tinanggap nya ko ulit. Para nga naman kasi syang basura na basta ko nalang itinapon. Hindi ko man lang naconsider ang feelings nya. At higit sa lahat..Hindi ko sinabi yung mga issues ko.

Pag iniisip ko na magiisang taon na kami, parang di ko mapaniwalaan. Ambilis kasi! Parang kelan lang. Pag iniisip ko pano ko natanggap yung sobrang pangit nyang past, di ko rin alam.

Ang totoo minahal ko sya kasi nakita ko yung lalaki na gusto kong maging tatay ng mga magiging anak ko. Sobrang family man nya. Kahit andaming issues sa bahay nila, sobrang loyal pa rin nya. I really admired him for that. At alam ko na magiging good provider sya. May isa syang salita. Never sya nag-promise sakin kasi ayaw nya na magbbreak ng ganun. Siguro nga hindi nako naghahanap ng “boyfriend”. Nakita ko lahat ng goodness sakanya. Para kong may kuya at tatay pag kasama ko sya. Lol

I learned a lot of things about myself because of him. He brings out the best in me. We’re good partners in every activity that we do. Naging mas mabuti akong tao nang dahil sakanya. J

Haay. Nakakamiss. Nakakalungkot kasi nag-valentines at maga-anniv ako mag-isa! Sana kayanin. I’m praying the best for us. 

Post after hiatus

3237 miles apart. 17 days since he left to Perth. 2 days until Valentine’s Day.

These are just figures. I wish.  I only cried for two days after he left to pursue his studies and career in nursing there in the land down under. Quite weird? No? Sigh.

I’m doing good here. I hope so. Being busy with work keeps me focused and shrug off missing him. Well, I miss my whole life when he’s still around. I miss going out with him, his cousins and sister. I almost gave up all of my free time just to be with him. And I don’t have any regrets. At all. Even though that means time for watching basketball and watching him sleep. 

I’m missing him more now. :’( Sometimes I wonder if we really can survive this set-up. But this morning, I was able to get an overseas call from him. Yay! Kilig! <3 Haha. It really means a lot to me. Because a week since he left, I felt like he didn’t make much effort to catch up with me. Yeah, I know. Because he is still adjusting there. He’s living with his aunt and everything is shouldered by his aunt’s family. 

We were fighting just last week because of this misunderstanding. It was really difficult for me because I was used to texting him everything that I do. I can call him anytime whenever he’s not replying promptly. But now. It’s very difficult. It takes a lot of patience and understanding just to make us cool. It’s difficult to have fights much especially petty fights because we cannot resolve them sooner. Usually it takes hours before we can talk again. That is, a good thing, because we keep our cool. Our concerns do not become issue between us anymore.

I think we just cope with the situation. But it really scares me because what if this distance would make us forget each other? What if he finds another woman? What if I found someone else? I’m really really scared because I promised of not leaving him. That he is the only one and that I will wait for him. It was a good news knowing that his classes were shortened to a year instead of two years. Even before we’re not yet a couple, he already mentioned his plans of settling down abroad. This time, it’s with me. I could feel the pressure already because I think our relationship is still not yet matured enough to go to that level. Or just me?  I am not yet ready. I am only turning 25 this year and I am not yet satisfied with my accomplishments and my youth.

You know what really concerns me? It’s because he’s asking me to be with him after two years without even asking for a wedding proposal!!! My gaaaahd!!! But anyway, I’m hoping for the best. This year, physically without him, I’d do things I missed doing when I was still single. That includes bumming myself over the internet on weekends, watching movies/series, reading books, hanging out with my bestest friends. Gosh! So many things to do, so little time!

Oh well. 

Hi! :)

Thinking of a new background for this blog. And of making this blog public again.

Yes. I'm back. :)