Hello new hair ;)

So I had my hair cut again. Oops. Haha.

                                                       Hazel Grace Lancaster. Not. HAHA


I'd sworn to myself that I will never cut my hair short ever again. Not until last year. And last Sunday. Lol.
Actually, there's no big deal. It wasn't like the first time I had cut my hair out of depression or something like that. I was just B-O-R-E-D. Was I?

Okaaaay. The story behind the last year's cut was, uhmm. HAHAHAHA. FALSE ALARM!

You see. I really had a long hair last year. But I had plans of having a haircut already because you know long hair is very difficult to maintain. You need lots of amount of shampoo and conditioner. You comb it. That is very tedious for me, by the way. And I hate falling hair!!! And other concerns that pester me.

Ugggh. It's soooo not easy being a girl. Add the PMS every month that I must say the reason behind this cutting. I had this urge of getting hair-free (but not bald) literally.

                                                                   Bye Long Hair!!!

                                                                  The Super Short Hair



So going back, uhmmm. My boyfriend and I had a petty fight. We were talking via SMS and then all of a sudden, he was unattended. I couldn't reach him. I was really furious. So to calm myself down, I went to Bench Fix and fixed myself. Lol.

And when I arrived at the dorm, he texted and said that he fell asleep! WHAT THE??!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So there. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I was kinda stupid because I let my feelings eat me. Like ALL THE TIME. I know. It's really shallow. Oh well. No regrets. I'm still happy because at least the preparation time going work is lessened.

I think girls who have short hair are bolder. I believe that hair is everyone's crowning glory and losing it is like making less them of a woman. Not for me. I don't want to be just like the other girls. You can also see the a girl's personality through her hair. Super straight hair and curly-haired girls are high maintenance women. Me, I just want to be care-free. Wash-and-wear hair allows me to move swiftly especially in the morning or whenever I have plans of going out. I don't like preparing too long. As they say, I am not a girl prepping.

As for last Sunday, honestly I was feeling disappointed with some people that's why I needed to pamper myself. Unfortunately, the idea of pampering was the Korean Salon in SM Calamba. Impulsively, I entered the salon and agreed to have a makeover.

Just like that, my hair is short again. Lol.

Though I love the feeling of having a short hair, I think I need to let my hair grow longer this time. I need to be girly-girly just a little bit. HAHAHA. K.

And I told myself before my boyfriend left that I will not cut my hair until he arrives. I miss him terribly. :(

Father Issues

I kinda feel sad today and awkward. Yes, I still have my father but it doesn't feel like it. You know, he'll be forever my first love since I WAS really a daddy's girl when I was still a kid until he met his second wife, five years after my mom passed away. Everything changed after that...

I still remember how I idolized him. How high my respect for him for raising us his two kids on his own and gave us everything we need back then. How I loved him that much. How we exchanged "I love yous" and kissed each other. But that was LONG TIME AGO.

Through him I learned that I can trust no man, ever. I had this thought until I fell in love at 20. I risked everything even though I had this fear. I even told him my fear. And that only man who I gave my whole heart to, also broke it into pieces. He didn't fail me. 

To be honest, I didn't need any man in my life, I thought so. I know I am independent and brave and can handle things my own. Having a man in my life only weakens me. It gives me a reason to be fragile and be dependent. 

You might be thinking what now? Currently, I am in a relationship of more than a year and almost half a year LDR. You see. That's what saddens me today. Frightens me to be exact. Today's celebration re-triggers that fear. And I am really scared right now that I don't know how to handle this.

I'm scared that he might leave me just like them. That if I told him about this, it would put pressure on him and leave me as well. I'm scared that if he finally knows my weakness, he'll use it against me. That he'll overpower me with that weakness and I'll end up being..weak. 

I prayed to God for that man. To heal my broken heart from the previous relationship. I am also praying that he'll also be the person to heal my wounds from my father's. Each moment that we fight, I can't help but question if I really am in the right relationship. Or if eventually not, is he really worth another pain.

My father leaving us really made a mark to me. Or should I say trauma? As this day ends, may this fear just good for today. I don't want to live my life scared and not trying. I want to have kids and how can I achieve that dream by not having a husband with me. I know its too early to say but  to quote Lemony Snicket,

“If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”