Hello June! :)

It's almost half of the year and with that comes a new chapter of my life. I'm in mixed emotions. I am excited, scared and yeah...feeling lonely. Yesterday, I finally found my home here in QC. Thanks to Kuya Kim who pushed me to really move in! Nakakatamad na kasi maghanap at nakakapagod din. Plus nag-uulan. Just like my freshman days in college, I lived first in a dorm. But now, I don't have my best friends with me. I live with someone I do not even know. Though my roommate is also from elbi, iba pa rin. The dorm is newly-built and near my favorite establishments. 10-20 minutes walk and one ride away from the office. The environment is safe and peaceful. Oo nahusgahan ko agad. Hehe. Not crowded. Medyo classy yung neighborhood.

I was happy because at last, hindi nako mahihiya sa tinutuluyan ko. Pwede nako ma-late or umagahin without considering other people. And of course, malapit nalang talaga ko sa office! But then, I realized, I am on my own now. As in on my own! Kaya din ako di nakahanap ng bahay agad kasi wala ako kasama maghanap. Pano pa ngayon na mag-isa nalang talaga ko?  Nakakalungkot sobra! Minsan talaga naisip ko nalang umuwi samin at dun nalang. Pero syempre echos lang yun. Alam ko namang kakatulungin lang ako sa bahay. Lol

Another thing, is the lifestyle. Gaaah! I'm sooo near to temptations! McDo, Moonleaf, Pizzahut, Starbucks, malls... Goodness! Pano pako makakaipon nito? @_@ Okay naman sana eh. Wala lang talaga ko kasama. Okay na lahat eh. Isa nalang kulang...

Moving to QC is another beginning for me. I have a feeling of staying longer here. I'm praying that everything will turn out well in God's plan..

2014

Today is the flight of my beloved friend Tandybear. We met last night at SM Megamall for the last time. I brought her mangoes as my pabaon.Actually I got it from the office. The perks of working in the DA. Lol. I met her for the reason also of paying our super duper over due Globe internet bill. Imagine. It was dated 2010 and now Tandybear is being sued for not paying. When we left the apartment years back, it was already disconnected! Haynako Globe!!!

Our meeting happened to be shopping for grocery and shoes for me! Lol. I don't have money yet so I volunteered to settle everything as soon as I receive my salary. So the money we used, the money my other housemates contributed to pay the remaining balance. Hehe. I will pay it okay? Lol. She looked for hair spa treatment but she was too kuripot on buying! Grabe! That girl is really weird. She'd starve for books!!! She even told me she'd love to work in a bookstore. Well. That's how she really is.

I remember in college, we were the partners in crime. We'll cry over our subjects, over acads, family, money and org matters. But now, we're talking about our career ahead, our future and for the first time.. she asked me what happened between her brother and me. It was awkward. Because she's not really like that. Because yeah. It is AWKWARD.

So there, we ordered in ChaTime and I had a chance to finally ask her what's up with her favorite brother. I tried to act like it was okay but at the end I just couldn't bear it I told her I really wanted to talk to him. She couldn't believe the reasons I told her how we split up! Of course! Who would? In her eyes, I saw how she was really upset on what happened between us. Alam ko nanghihinayang sya. We were the perfect trio before. We ate together. Watched movies/series together. I had a boyfriend and my best friend with me. But yeah. Shit happens.

So she told me everything about Froi. After everything she told me, I couldn't be prouder! He's really doing great with his craft and his career has a long long way to go! Nakakatuwa lang. Totoo pala yun? Yung magiging masaya ka para sa taong mahal mo.. Then I realized, I really love him that much. Nakakalungkot lang, kasi wala ako sa mga panahong yun. Pinili nya na wala ako dun.

As we bid our goodbyes, tears were in our eyes. Tandybear is tough on others, but with me, she's very fragile and really emotional. Nakakaiyak. Bye Tandybear! See you on 2014! ;')

On my way to Caloocan, I couldn't breathe properly. I didn't know why I felt that. Basta kinakabahan ako na hindi ko alam. Pag nagkataon kasi, mapapalapit sya sakin. Pano na naman ako nito? 0.o

The old has gone, the new has come.

                                                                    Oh hello new hairdo!


I got the title of this post from my freshman days. During the days when we were being recruited to VCF-LB. I can't remember the bible verse because I really didn't pay attention to any of my leaders/groupmates. I even forgot the term they use for the small groups. I don't know. Ever since, my thought towards Born-again Christians is this. Hypocrites. They're just too good to be true. I have relatives who are Born-again but I have nothing against them. I just don't like their way of living their faith. If I don't like Born-agains, how much more are the INCs? They're way way.. okay. You know what I mean. Will I be condemned for my way of thinking against other religion? Please don't. Haha.

When I was in college, I learned that religion is nothing. UP being non-sectarian, it respects all religions and sects. It's up to you if you will live your identified belief as written in your birth certificate or you are game to know who your god really is. The campus is big enough for your soul-searching and there are  lots of religious groups roaming around looking for their next target. Lol. Thank God! I haven't met an atheist or satanic also doing the same modus. Hehe.

This time, I'm coining this verse again for my own way of conversion. Actually, it's bringing my old self back. I want to be just who I was before. In high school. And as a sign of change, here is my new hairdo! :) Good bye long hair! Good bye stress! And soon...Good bye sins! :D

Back to You

This morning, I tumbled upon Yeng Constantino's Tumblr account and I was amazed! Despite the fact that she's a rocker chic, she's truly a woman of God. I think she's a born-again Christian by how she uses Bible verses and quotes. As I read every page, there is only admiration and I feel blessed. Weird it is but I am only stating facts. As for me. 

I miss the feeling of being blessed. At the brink of tears for overflowing grace and thankfulness. This week is very challenging. I have issues on my job, with my boss and financial matters. It's really tough one! It's like the whole world put the joke on me! Then I realized.. When was the last time I went to church? I received communion? I went to confession? I believe it's years already. Believe it or not, but I was "holy" until I was admitted to UPLB. I am not blaming UPLB, but just saying it made me become more bold and radical. And with these realizations I think, I finally found what's missing in my life... 

No! I won't convert to born-again! Or my relatives will kill me! Lol. I will try to regain my spirit. Again.. "TRY". It's not that easy by what has changed me over the years. This Sunday, I will go to confession so I could finally take the communion. I know God missed me. Haha. I will try to lessen foul words coming out of my mouth. I know nothing is impossible through Christ. And I'm praying these through Him. Amen. 

*Alam ko hindi bagay sakin mukha kong ipokrito. Haha

Be thankful. TANGNAMOKA!

                                                                            My faces of wrath.




For the very first time in my life I got insulted by a guy. If he really is. PUTANGINA LANG TALAGA!!! I can accept other nasty words about me but to tell in my face I look like a gay?! TANGINA NAMAN! Mas okay pa yung sabihan akong asal lalake eh! Pero mukhang bading? Ah ah naman! Nakakababa ng pagkababae. Sige! Kilos beki pwede pero nyeta talaga!!! Pasalamat talaga sya hindi ko sya binangasan! He doesn't know what I am capable of! Nakakahiya sayo kuya ha? Boses pepe ka pa naman! Pasalamat ka nakakapagpigil ako baka hindi mo kayanin ang mga kaya kong sabihin. PASALAMAT KA TALAGA HINDI KITA MINUKHAAN!!! BANGAS KA TALAGANG TANGNAKA!!!

Wounds of past

Today is mother's day. But today's post is not about that.

I was able to have a small chat with my Tita Bhaby this morning. She mentioned my father on how he waited for me at home after graduation. Unfortunately, we came late. He was not able to wait that longer his wife was insisting him to come home. Hearing this, there was a pinch in my heart. I know we're not in good terms. What happened in the past, I cannot just let forget everything about them. I pitied him. He lost us. Years ago.

It would be a long post if I tell what had really happened. All I know is, everything made my growing up years traumatic. I really love my Tatay. He was the greatest! I was a daddy's girl when he's not married yet to that evil witch! That bitch brainwashed my father. She ruined our family! And so, leaving us homeless for thirteen years now. Great!

Thirteen years without him was like treating him dead already. Yes. I consider myself an orphan. Will you blame me for feeling this way? When I visited my aunt in Batangas, her husband, Uncle Ed asked me about him. Actually every relative from my mother side always asks me about my father. What do I say? I DON'T KNOW. What can I do? I really don't know and I don't fucking care. AT ALL. Yeah I know. It's kinda embarrassing for a daughter not to know anything about her father. I don't know where he lives, what he does now for a living.. etc. etc. The same way he is to us. For thirteen years, he forgot his role as a father. He left us in our lola's custody. Lola Abe is old but she managed to give us everything we need to think that it's not her responsibility to raise us. And now he will appear to us as if nothing happened? Oooh. Yeah. Because he did nothing! Can you feel my grudge? It's only the tip you can imagine.

But somehow, this morning, I felt Tatay's pain. I know he loves us like what he always say but he cannot show us that. That's what resents me. As much as I wanted to understand him, I can't. The wounds are still there and whenever I see him, it just goes deeper and deeper. I think we're better off this way. Maybe some time, I could finally forgive him. But it would never be easy and can't be in an instant. What we are now, he chose this. He is the cause of his own suffering.

This is the reason why I don't engage into relationship during my teens. If my own father can abandon us how much more a guy I am not blood-related? And I was correct. I was dumped without notice by the guy who promised of not leaving me for shallow reasons. And I swear, it won't happen again. I've had enough. I can't bear another.

How a DJ made my day! ^___^

 So I listened to RX Monster Radio all this day while finishing AFMPuta. Lol. When DJ Cerah played as Madam in their show. It was hilarious I tweeted her being panny! :))) What I missed was, she mentioned my name on air! My batchmate texted me! Huuur! I was really upset because I was really listening all day and when it was my shining moment...POPPED! >.<

Instead of regretting, I played with Snow's cam. Hoho. And guessed what? DJ Cerah tweeted me twice! :D But I'm too lazy to print screen. HAHA :)) Any, she made my day! ^____^ I will treat myself later to milk tea with Kris at SM Fairview!

Feeling DJ. Haha

Patweetums sa workstation

Summer isn't forever

Swimming in a vast dysphoria,
In multitude but kissed in despair.
I rinsed from vagary.
It wasn't ordinary.

Waves of reminiscence touched me
as I walk away from the sea.
The sun is completely setting..
So long, my sweet reverie.

This is what uncompensated employee does..

Just stressed.

It's been a while since I cried. And the reason is not him. Lol. 

Yesterday. I was so furious and felt that the world is soooo UNFAIR! I can't give the details. I might explode again. Karla was with me to have Gong Cha and indulged myself over McDo's cheeseburger and fries. I feel sorry for her. I knew I shocked her with my behavior. Hoho. Yeah. I cried while ranting down the stairs of the DA Building until we get to SM North! The Hell I care! I just needed to release all my bad vibes! How I wish I could have someone I could throw a punch in the face! Apply what I learned from my Boxing lessons..

I realized one thing after, that it is very easy for me to make me happy. Small things. In that sense. I am shallow. The same by how I can be upset.

Back to the cycle

I am feeling lonely again. I guess because I saw his pictures again using my dummy account yesterday. Stop judging. Everyone does it! It crushed me inside seeing him with his friends (who I never met) and with Jolo (Kath's ex-but-still-seeing-each other) add the fact that the person who uploaded the picture has a crush on him.

I'm missing him again and I feel weak. I am not the person I was before. To avoid messaging him, because it's totally pointless, I ran again through my contact list and messaged two guys. The first one was Ivan. Yeah. Why did he cross my mind after what he's done to me? But ugggh. I sent the message anyway. Second one was PJ. I still remembered how he embarrassed me in front of many educated people! I realized, I don't really have guy friends. I don't include my brods and closest guys of course. I mean, guys I can have something. Malice. Lol. You know? I miss the feeling of kinikilig. Yung may malisya. Haha

After a while of contemplating my life on earth, my phone rang. I was hesitant of answering it because the number was not registered in my contact list. I pressed the green button and asked who it was then I heard a voice that sounded familiar. I was really nervous. It was Froi's voice.

He spoke in a very low-tone voice, "Si PJ to". Okaaaaay. BASAG. After all this time I was still waiting for him to do that? Seriously?! Haaaay. I am a self-confessed pathetic!

I was really shocked! Why would he call me? So I just entertained him. Nakakahiya naman sa pagtawag nya. Until we arrived to having a date next month in his area. WTF. Faster than a speed of light! Maybe I am over analyzing things. This time, I don't want to put malice here. Lol. Not him. Not PJ Bautista. Yeah I know. My criteria in finding a guy includes "brainy" but not summa cum laude-class valedictorian PJ level!!!

I am becoming needy again. I don't want to fall back into the old cycle. The problem is, I am too choosy. How will I be able to compromise this? Tss.

Silver Tassle

Happy Graduation to me! :D

Days had passed and I must say that the momentum for posting about this bores me now. As previously mentioned, yeah, it's gone. I wore a simple magenta dress. I just borrowed shoes from my Tita Marie which resulted to feet sores! I had my make up done by my close relative. My closest cousins Jay and Kuya Pao weren't able to come since Jay had to attend to his OJT and the car could only accommodate six people. Add the fact that it's too hot, the traffic and ugggh, just excuses.

My Lola Abe insisted to come though I told everybody that it's hassle to tag her since she's 89 already, the extreme weather and the open-field venue. Oh well. She waited for this moment. I realized she loves me that much! :"> Kuya Michael missed his 15-year HS Class Reunion just to attend to my graduation that really made my heart melt!

I returned Going Lala by Alexandra Potter to Tandybear though I'm still few pages left to finish reading it. :( I had few Kodak moments with my orgmates and former classmates. It's sad. Too late to realize to graduate with your original batchmates is more fun! During the procession, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who greeted me and took me pictures! My other co-graduates were jealous of how I got those "fans". LOL
They didn't know, inside, I was screaming to death over my feet's suffering! Just I reached my seat, I took off my shoes and got relieved by the well-taken-care-grass. Hallelujiah!

Before I realized it, the ceremony has ended. It was not the graduation rites that I was expecting. No chills. No goosebumps or teary eyes. Maybe because the Valedictory Address pissed me off. Or time has passed me by. Or I didn't have the chance to finally say goodbye. Yeah. Up to the last moment I was expecting to have crossroads with him. But the was no single chance. And this was my ultimatum. Now or never again. Just sad. I might never see him again.. I just have to accept it.

One thing I loved about this day was, after I wake up the next day, even though in dress and still in make up, I will not have to worry about getting a job! :)