Wounds of past

Today is mother's day. But today's post is not about that.

I was able to have a small chat with my Tita Bhaby this morning. She mentioned my father on how he waited for me at home after graduation. Unfortunately, we came late. He was not able to wait that longer his wife was insisting him to come home. Hearing this, there was a pinch in my heart. I know we're not in good terms. What happened in the past, I cannot just let forget everything about them. I pitied him. He lost us. Years ago.

It would be a long post if I tell what had really happened. All I know is, everything made my growing up years traumatic. I really love my Tatay. He was the greatest! I was a daddy's girl when he's not married yet to that evil witch! That bitch brainwashed my father. She ruined our family! And so, leaving us homeless for thirteen years now. Great!

Thirteen years without him was like treating him dead already. Yes. I consider myself an orphan. Will you blame me for feeling this way? When I visited my aunt in Batangas, her husband, Uncle Ed asked me about him. Actually every relative from my mother side always asks me about my father. What do I say? I DON'T KNOW. What can I do? I really don't know and I don't fucking care. AT ALL. Yeah I know. It's kinda embarrassing for a daughter not to know anything about her father. I don't know where he lives, what he does now for a living.. etc. etc. The same way he is to us. For thirteen years, he forgot his role as a father. He left us in our lola's custody. Lola Abe is old but she managed to give us everything we need to think that it's not her responsibility to raise us. And now he will appear to us as if nothing happened? Oooh. Yeah. Because he did nothing! Can you feel my grudge? It's only the tip you can imagine.

But somehow, this morning, I felt Tatay's pain. I know he loves us like what he always say but he cannot show us that. That's what resents me. As much as I wanted to understand him, I can't. The wounds are still there and whenever I see him, it just goes deeper and deeper. I think we're better off this way. Maybe some time, I could finally forgive him. But it would never be easy and can't be in an instant. What we are now, he chose this. He is the cause of his own suffering.

This is the reason why I don't engage into relationship during my teens. If my own father can abandon us how much more a guy I am not blood-related? And I was correct. I was dumped without notice by the guy who promised of not leaving me for shallow reasons. And I swear, it won't happen again. I've had enough. I can't bear another.