Shaky.

My boyfriend is a health buff. He always goes to the gym, run for almost 21K every day, do curl ups and use their stationary bike aside from playing basketball. 

Yes he's a nurse. An eight-hour duty in the hospital is not an easy task. Most of the time, he gets to work for more hours because his work requires him so. 

Now, with our set-up of only meeting during weekends and with unfixed time for communication, add the fact that he is not that expressive and sweet, how can we survive?

I'm trying to be more understanding. I'm trying hard to make us work. We're both busy but sometimes I also long for romance and time with him. But yeah. It can't be just like that.

I don't know how far this can go? To be honest, I can really live on my own. I don't really need a boyfriend. Having someone to care for sometimes makes me paranoid and that's not healthy. Add the fact that I have a low self-esteem. I have so much insecurities. And then her first cousin was crowned as Bb. Pilipinas-Universe 2013! Great. 

I've already met her closest family members. I think he's sincere but at the end of the day, I don't have peace of mind. Whenever we don't get to talk on the phone or exchange messages, I always have doubts of his fidelity. I have an end in mind that he will cheat on me. So I am prepared.

Just what I told before, I just go with the flow. If he is not the right guy for me, at least I will not be that hurtful. 

But every time he gets to remember me, it is always special. I always look forward the weekends because of him. Five days from work is less than two days spent with him! I've never been this happier. And I've never been this understanding. 

I may find this set-up tiresome at times, but with the scenario of us being together, so much worth it. 

I swallowed everything I said.

As in everything.

And I cannot believe myself! I never thought of it even in my wildest dream! WHY???
But yeah. As my mantra goes.. "NO REGRETS". Kdot.

Just I realized how evil I was when my ex and I were together. How did he even tolerate my mere existence! (Wow! Haha) I was soooo immature and childish and bratty and ugh.. Okay. Move on.

Here I am. Feeling like blind. Out of nowhere, who don't know where and what to start. I don't feel the old me. I don't even feel I am myself. I just go with the flow. And yet I am happier than before. I still have my expectations but I don't impose them anymore. I feel like a child. But not childish anymore. I don't know why I got here. I just felt it. It's a big risk but the hell I thought about it. If I got played again, then it's his loss. I think I'm wiser now. I think I can handle failures now. Better. I think? I wish.

Of course I still have my fears. A lot. I don't know what's with him that made me say yes...sooner. Maybe because I really don't believe in courtship? Or I just found my ideal man way back college. :p

"Fratman, gwapo, macho, matalino, ChemEng, sporty"

All those describe him. Funny is, I didn't meet him in College. Lols.

I never thought that I could find a man with ALL my criteria. (Lakas!) With how I think of the situation, maybe it's maturity. I learned how not to be idealistic. I'm just hoping for the best.  Literally, bahala na.

Choice.

My mind has lot of thoughts and I can't decide what to write down. Hmm..

Okay. See, my Kuya Mike and I are not in good terms.. again. We had a cat fight two weeks ago. The cause: MINIMIZING THE VOLUME OF TV. Which is a very serious matter. Right? I deserve all his nags, insults and rage for this really BIG issue. Fuck.

After a long time, I cried again. It was a good cry actually. A relief. I think it's really healthy for us to cry once in a while so we can put out all the bad vibes and burdens we are carrying. Thanks to Jay even if he's in Malaysia who gave me a Facetime call and Janno who called me on the phone. 

And for the nth time I received a shotgun proposal. Chos. I mean, why? Don't men nowadays know how to slow things down? And for every situation like this, why am I the one who's always saying sorry. Why can't I be MEAN. Tangina!

The people around me are excited for my love life to bloom. Of course, I am more excited! But, after what happened, I just proved to myself that I really don't need to be in a relationship right now. Or sooner? Hehe. No it's not about my EX. Though I watched their concert with Janno. It's nothing. Plus he's grumpy and unpredictable again. It's just that I only want to think of myself. Taking care another person is too hassle for me. See, I am contented with being single. I've been single for two years this coming 5th and I'm used to it. Plus men attempting are ALL the same. Jerks. Jerks everywhere.

I proved to myself that being single is really MY choice. Pwede maging choosy? Kahit minsan? Lol

Yes. This is me :)

Over a year working in the Department of Agriculture makes me mature..I think. And by maturity, I mean being less sensitive and emotional. I became independent and more responsible.

How did I know? Well, compared before, I tend to get jealous and onion-skinned when my friends had hang outs that I were not able to join them. Tampururot ako sobra! But now, I think more of practicality. Sometimes, I think not to make friends with them at all. Lol.

See? I realized that you don't really need many friends. You just need true friends. Even if how few they are! And I really appreciate my friends who can understand my shortcomings and low-profile lifestyle. Chos!

I am not really grandiose. Okay, except to food. But hey! I am not really into buying branded clothes or shoes or bags!Sobrang kuripot ko pala talaga! Haha. Why am I noting all of these? It's because I am turning 24 already and I do not have savings yet!!!

It kills me knowing I've been working for more than a year now and I haven't invested anything! Impulsive gimmicks and hangouts are the reasons so I should lessen them. But then, I realized, planned ones are more expensive! Huhu T________T

So what should I do? Rawr! I have a goal this year to have at least PhP 18,000 by December! Luckily, I do not have my salary in the whole month of January. Talk about savings, I am but broke!!!

At least, I am learning the art of saying NO. It helps. Really. I still go out though. :p But I know how to filter them.

I am just delighted by how I handle things now. Yeah. Less drama. I am loving my life despite how much I lack financially, socially and romantically. Lol. It all boils down on how I view things. How I am  not affected by outside forces. By not being lured by social media and networking sites. And not affected by peer pressure. So old for that! Haha