I still remember how I idolized him. How high my respect for him for raising us his two kids on his own and gave us everything we need back then. How I loved him that much. How we exchanged "I love yous" and kissed each other. But that was LONG TIME AGO.
Through him I learned that I can trust no man, ever. I had this thought until I fell in love at 20. I risked everything even though I had this fear. I even told him my fear. And that only man who I gave my whole heart to, also broke it into pieces. He didn't fail me.
To be honest, I didn't need any man in my life, I thought so. I know I am independent and brave and can handle things my own. Having a man in my life only weakens me. It gives me a reason to be fragile and be dependent.
You might be thinking what now? Currently, I am in a relationship of more than a year and almost half a year LDR. You see. That's what saddens me today. Frightens me to be exact. Today's celebration re-triggers that fear. And I am really scared right now that I don't know how to handle this.
I'm scared that he might leave me just like them. That if I told him about this, it would put pressure on him and leave me as well. I'm scared that if he finally knows my weakness, he'll use it against me. That he'll overpower me with that weakness and I'll end up being..weak.
I prayed to God for that man. To heal my broken heart from the previous relationship. I am also praying that he'll also be the person to heal my wounds from my father's. Each moment that we fight, I can't help but question if I really am in the right relationship. Or if eventually not, is he really worth another pain.
My father leaving us really made a mark to me. Or should I say trauma? As this day ends, may this fear just good for today. I don't want to live my life scared and not trying. I want to have kids and how can I achieve that dream by not having a husband with me. I know its too early to say but to quote Lemony Snicket,
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