Ramblings

I should be reading by now in preparation for my technical examination for tomorrow. Yeah. Another shot for a new employment. Honestly, I don't feel like taking the exam because of:

1. I am scared of being rejected again. I am so tired of it.
2. I am too lazy to read. I can't comprehend a thing!
3. I am not ready for tomorrow.
4. I don't know if I can make it to the next cut.

And I have a long list in my mind I am lazy to enumerate them. I just don't feel motivated. My self-esteem has been decreasing lately because of unsuccessful job-hunting.

And my latest realization towards my boyfriend..

As I was ranting to him awhile ago, instead of encouraging me, he made me feel more guilty of everything unfortunate that has happened to me. I know he wanted me to push harder but the way he said things, it's as if everything is my fault. Then I realized...

I was never really part of his plans. He promised me a lot of things but none of them had a specific date. I feel cold to him after our conversation because to be honest our talks became repetitive and routinary. No more interesting, funny or deep conversations with him anymore. It's always me who always do the talking and missing. I am the one who constantly bugs him for video calls or voice calls.

..that makes me feel sad. I thought if I had a partner he'd be the one I can turn to first. He will encourage me and will never give up on me. He will always be excited to hear my voice. He will always wanted me to be happy.

Then, I am totally wrong. I just need to find myself, again. After I have fully established myself, I know I can be finally be on my own. I won't be needing someone else's assurance. 

I am unsure of him. Again.