Christmas eve thoughts

2014 is a bitch. I've gone through a lot with frustrations in my career, long distance relationship and yeah, friendships.

But despite of everything I am but thankful of those struggles and misunderstandings. I have realized that years of being together is really not the basis for keeping the relationship. Some people are only there with you to know how you are doing and to make them feel better of themselves.

Some people are there with you to have the satisfaction that they are more fortunate or you are less compared to them.

That's the problem about me. Wala akong masamang tinapay sa tao na pinili kong kaibiganin o mahalin. What you see is what you get. I am not the person who will please everybody. I am choosy of people. If I don't feel the person, I will not make that person feel that we're close.

And when I found a person, I am all but blind in giving the attention and love I can give. All out. With no hesitations. That I understand is, well, saddening because not all people are like me.

In my 25 years, I know I am not perfect. I have my flaws and weaknesses. Real people who love me understand, accept me whole-heartedly and reprimand me in my face if necessary.

I appreciate those people because that's when I know they're true. I commit mistakes and act rude sometimes but at the end of the day, I will ask for an apology to those I have offended. And really sincerely mean every word.

I have realized that I don't really need many friends as long as they are true and dependable. I will leave all the bad vibes of 2014 and when I start the new year I will be more positive and optimistic.

I will come home next year. Oo good luck talaga sakin! Haha

Throwback Thursday

Throwback October 2008.

When exams were seemed to be unlimited. After so many sleepless nights, drinking energy drinks and coffees before taking so many final exams, of which most of them were for removals and yet at the end is a grade of 5. Sweet! Bittersweet!

Same feeling as of today. I feel numb of receiving rejection notices. It's so painful that I barely feel it anymore. Maybe this is my karma for leaving my former boss last year. Leaving HVCDP became my scapegoat. And I was a coward. 

I didn't have the guts to redeem myself instead I moved to another office like I was very lucky and boastful of my position. And yet where am I? I wasn't even happy. 

Sometimes I am thinking of just resigning for many reasons that my boss promised me beforehand. But then, I am empty-handed. I can't leave just like that. Broke and nowhere to go.

2015, please be good to me. I have had enough of 2014 misery.

December ❤

We have come to the last chapter of 2014. I'm kinda happy and quite sad at the same time. Yeah, all I wished was this year to end so fast but at the end of the day it makes me cringe because it felt like I've wasted huge amount of time!

I was really frustrated yesterday because aside from super stress at the office, my plans for my boyfriend's birthday were all flopped. It started with the failure to send the Cavs jerseys (which apparently are imitation, that's why lol) then everything else was a failure!

I tried greeting him at exactly 12:00 AM because I wanted to be the first to greet him on his birthday but yeah. He was already asleep. Ugh!

Then, the courier service in Perth failed to deliver him the package. Raaaaawr! There was no one at home according to the tracking service when I checked.

So there, I was forced to tell him the surprise. Tsk. He scheduled the delivery on Wednesday because he has his Speaking Test today. I was really really frustrated because last year was perfect! I want to be involved on his birthday despite our distance. I want him to be happy.

But what surprised me was him being touched by all my efforts. I joked him I sent him a pair of shoes, he was enraged! HAHAHAHAHA. Of course, I expected his reaction to be like that. At first, he didn't believe me for me to really have done that but I insisted. And yeah, I was busted again because he really knows that I won't really do that anyway. Lol

A call or text from me would be much appreciated, he said. He doesn't really want me to give him gifts because he knows how expensive the shipping fee is. I was really touched because he instilled in me that I do not have to spend so much just to make him happy. I was frustrated that day because I thought I failed surprising him on his birthday but the truth is, I was really the one who was surprised.

His simplicity and contentment make me love him even more. I knew from the start that he's really THE ONE. He's not perfect and we fight a lot but being able to stick with each other, the commitment, is the most important in strengthening our relationship.

Ramblings

I should be reading by now in preparation for my technical examination for tomorrow. Yeah. Another shot for a new employment. Honestly, I don't feel like taking the exam because of:

1. I am scared of being rejected again. I am so tired of it.
2. I am too lazy to read. I can't comprehend a thing!
3. I am not ready for tomorrow.
4. I don't know if I can make it to the next cut.

And I have a long list in my mind I am lazy to enumerate them. I just don't feel motivated. My self-esteem has been decreasing lately because of unsuccessful job-hunting.

And my latest realization towards my boyfriend..

As I was ranting to him awhile ago, instead of encouraging me, he made me feel more guilty of everything unfortunate that has happened to me. I know he wanted me to push harder but the way he said things, it's as if everything is my fault. Then I realized...

I was never really part of his plans. He promised me a lot of things but none of them had a specific date. I feel cold to him after our conversation because to be honest our talks became repetitive and routinary. No more interesting, funny or deep conversations with him anymore. It's always me who always do the talking and missing. I am the one who constantly bugs him for video calls or voice calls.

..that makes me feel sad. I thought if I had a partner he'd be the one I can turn to first. He will encourage me and will never give up on me. He will always be excited to hear my voice. He will always wanted me to be happy.

Then, I am totally wrong. I just need to find myself, again. After I have fully established myself, I know I can be finally be on my own. I won't be needing someone else's assurance. 

I am unsure of him. Again. 

Way to Happiness

Happy that October is finally over. It's one tough month. The toughest of 2014 so far.

I welcomed my November boozing at Paseo de Sta. Rosa and scuba diving in Batangas. It was what I really needed. I needed a break from all the stress and BS of everything.

I was into job-hunting and unfortunately, I was not successful in landing a new decent job. I really hate my job now to the point that I am always absent that I do not care how much will be left in my pay slip. 

I. NEED. TO. GET. AWAY. FROM. HERE.

BADLY.

Okay. Going back to my diving experience. It was unforgettable! It was soooo fun that I almost found myself in the depths of the sea!Maybe I was that worried that our diving instructor noticed how lost I was. He talked to me and I opened up to him with no hesitation.

The problem was I do not know what I really want in life now. So he gave me tips on how to be in my path to happiness. He told me to list down things that make me happy in ten days. No matter how shallow or weird those things are. Knowing them should give me an idea where would it lead me. And of course, FOCUS. I should learn how to trade off things in order to achieve a goal. 

So for now, I would be listing down things that make me happy in no particular order:

1. Eating my favorite food (sashimi, Dear Darla pizza, kebab, tacos, nachos, hakaw, salad, ice cream, yoghurt)
2. Drinking beer with friends
3. Singing in a crowd
4. Singing in a chorale
5. Traveling to beautiful places
6. Doing extreme activities (skywalking, extreme rides..)
7. Watching heartfelt/ tear-jerker movies
8. Watching kilig drama
9. Putting on make-up
10. Me hair-free (Going to the waxing salon)
11. New-do, nice nails (Going to the salon)
12. Super sarap na masahe!!!
13. Eating dark chocolates
14. Watching live concerts of cool and favorite artists
15. Watching live basketball game
16. Watching Isser play basketball (hihi)
17. Waking up next to Isser
18. Wrapping my arms around Isser's arm
19. Sniffing Isser's armpit
20. Hearing Isser's voice
21. Seeing Isser on Skype
22. Being with Isser
23. Sleeping next to Isser
24. Listening to music that fits my mood
25. Dancing
26. Going to the beach
27. Dumb talks with my friends
28. Deep conversations
29. Watching horror movies with friends
30. Bonding with cousins
31. Forehead kisses
32. Surprise hugs
33. SURPRISES
34. Receiving flowers
35. Receiving gifts
36. Being serenaded
37. Handwritten letters/notes
38. Sniffing Isser's scent
39. Cuddling
40. Christmas
41. Summer
42. Cute earrings
43. Done brows
44. Eyes lash extensions
45. Lola's jokes
46. Pink Gerbera
47. Warm shower
48. New and fresh sheets
49. Learning new food recipes
50. Light traffic when commuting 

...to be continued ;)

“You may be waiting in this season of your life for God to bring the right person. Or you may be wondering if the person you’re dating is the right person. He will do it. He will reveal it. In the meantime, be what you’re looking for.”

Never too late :)

It was my choice to let 2014 pass just like an unwanted page in my journey book. It was as if I wasn’t allowed to have fun after my boyfriend went to Australia. Well, it’s all on me. No one to blame of my “misery”. 

Until this day, I woke up and realized how much time I've wasted by that stupid decision.  I let myself hang in waiting for my boyfriend’s return. I don’t even have a clue when is when? Honestly, our relationship lately became rocky. Almost every week we have fights and misunderstandings. To the point that it becomes consuming..

I realized that my world doesn't have to stop while waiting for him. I need to enjoy my Me-Time. I realized, I have so much things to enjoy alone. I love him, yes, but there are things I need to explore myself. I need to enjoy my youth. I have so much to do for my career development and self-actualization. The distance between us and time of separation should be made productive and be positive. I should use them in improving myself.

Lately, I've become a home buddy after my grandmother was admitted to the hospital and got sick. For I don’t know reason, I am enjoying being domesticated. Watching TV, eating beside my lola.

Recently, I've been into cooking dishes and I am proud to say that I am getting good at it. HAHA.

My roommate and I inquired in a gym near our dorm. It’s actually affordable compared to famous gyms here in Manila. I am decided to enroll to have a new environment and to make myself busy so I would not be clingy to my boyfriend anymore. Lol.

Aside from that, my friends who are currently studying Masteral in UP Manila encouraged me to join the bandwagon and yeah finally fulfill my dreams: To join a chorale group!!!

Yes. It was a dream long time ago. Almost old-aged with my ideal boyfriend dreams. Haha. I cannot believe that I can actually make this materialize since I've graduated by Bachelor’s degree! But now, with this new hope I know it’s never too late!

It gives me a new drive and inspiration every day.  Like what I always say, “What I want, I definitely get”. Just don’t mind the time frame. HAHAHAHA

I am so excited for 2015!!!! ^_____^