First quarter of 2015 is about to end and I can say that my outlook towards life is 50:50. I am enjoying a lot of weekend trips and gimmicks. I try to be busy so that I won't think of my boyfriend more often. But then, same with last year's dilemma, I am really fed up with my work.
Recently, I got sick. I guess it's from the stress from the previous week of workshop wherein we had restless nights and no sleep at all! I was absent for almost a week. I got hospitalized and it's actually my first time!
So when I returned to office I was expecting that they (boss and supervisor) would be considerate enough to wave my absences (since we don't have sick leave) to official business. At first, the supervisor was really compassionate and understanding of my situation. Unfortunately, upon writing the forms for my boss' signature, only one form was signed. (one day and three days). Guess what? He only signed the one day form!!!
I was really fuming mad! I was really upset and shaky because I was super enraged!!! How inconsiderate my boss is to think that I am not only his subordinate but I am also his sorority sister! Nagbayad ka na nga ng mahal sa ospital, wala ka pang suswelduhin!!! PUTANGINA!!!!Buti sana kung naglakwatsa ako diba??? Eh hindi eh! Nakaratay ako buong linggo!!!!
Then, my previous boss popped into my head. Yes she might be strict and toxic but in terms of the people's welfare, she's very sensitive and humane. Sa sobrang galit ko, napa-draft naman talaga ako ng resignation letter. Pero syempre draft lang yon. Lol
Tangina tatlong taon nako dito! Bakit nga ba hindi ako makaalis? Ganon na ba ko ka-matiisin? Ang hirap kasi wala pako lilipatan. Dati sabi ko pag hindi ka na masaya sa isang bagay, umalis ka. Pero hindi kaya maiapply sa trabaho. Andami kong bills na iisipin. Hindi ko rin kaya ma-bum.
And so I thought about my relationship with my boyfriend. It was the worst anniversary. I only expected a phone call greeting from him that day but none. He called me up lunchtime when I was already at home saying he was drunk and fell asleep. I did't know what to react and feel knowing that my surprise for him was one month preparation and he received it two days before our anniversary. I cried hard to him and I calmed down after a while. I realized, I should not be reacting that way. He called me, still. I should be contented by that. It was his best effort.
Maybe I was used to it. It wasn't something new. We always have this argument. He always do this to me. What was really frustrating was the timing. THAT DAY WAS OUR 2nd ANNIVERSARY. Hindi nya pinalampas! PUTANGINA!
I felt numb. I really can't feel anything. From that day, I told myself I won't care anymore. I won't demand from him ever again. I won't expect anything from him. He can do anything he wants and I won't even bother at all. This relationship is not what I want. But how can I end this? At some point, I am still hoping that he would care. He would love me the way I wish to be loved. I am not even a high-maintenance girlfriend! Why can't he give me the attention I deserve?
Now I am assessing myself. Answers won't come. I don't know if I love him anymore. Sa tagal nyang ginagawa 'to ng paulit-ulit, ngayon ako talaga nakaramdam ng pagod. Totoong nauumay nako. Hindi ko na kaya. Pero hindi ko alam paano kakalas? Ayoko magtiis. Naniniwala naman ako na hindi dapat ganon. Hindi dapat maging pabigat ang relasyon.
“Unless it is mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.” ~Unknown
