One step closer

Years ago, my ultimate dream was to work for this certain company. It was my ultimate dream since..high school, I think? And as mentioned from my earlier blogs, when I wanted something, by all means and how much long I will able to achieve it, I get it.

Sounds scary? Haha. But yeah. That's me. Until I graduated from my dream university and my dream company didn't materialize.There was no way I was able to get in there though I have lots of contacts. It's just that the "timing"wasn't perfect that time. Until I forgot about it. My dream company became one of my forgotten memories.

I'm in my quarter life already and just like everyone else, I am into this "crisis". I've left my previous job for the new boss who is my fraternity brother. I can say that I am happy but not that "happy". I miss the challenge when I was in HVCDP. I miss the travels and the people. And believe it or not, yes, I also miss my ex-boss.

Coincidence? A friend of mine mentioned to me that her position is available in that company. OMG!!! Is this a sign????  Despite the emotional dilemmas I have inside, I updated my resume and sent it to her as she instructed. My boss' term is only less than two years (PNoy's) and he's been really kind to me. But I just gave it a try. For once in my life, I'd be able to prove to myself that I CAN be near that dream.

Actually up to now, I'm still undecided but I really have to choose. I"m confused of getting that job because:

1.  Courtesy to my brod 
2. The schedule of leave next year when Isser decides to take a vacation. Because with my current boss who is lenient and very understanding I can take at most two weeks for this. 
3. Weight and schedule of work. Much to my comfort, the 6-day work schedule is really not for me. Though I am trained to difficult and stressful assignments, I don't think I can give up my Saturdays. 
4. Location. If ever I get hired, I have to move out from the dorm since it's out of way already. I don't want to torture myself from the Hells of MRT 3 or the Hells of EDSA if I commute from Laguna everyday. This is just hassle.
5. No holiday on my birthday. If I get hired then, no more QC day! All plans ruined for my 25th! :(

But a voice inside my heart speaks of the forgotten dream to be remembered and help myself get out of this comfort zone. The comfort zone of being dependent to my boyfriend's decisions and to where I feel un-insecure. 

I'd like to take a chance for that dream. Ika nga, testing lang. Wala namang mawawala. Kung para sakin, para sakin. If not, at least I tried. :)

Few words

I am a very transparent person. I cry when I feel like crying. And by crying I mean like a baby crying! I am easily amused and my happiness is surely shallow. That's how true I am to myself. I don't need anybody's approval of my behavior or whatsoever. Yes I know my thinking won't make me loved by people around me but at least I know I'm not fooling them..and myself.

That's why I am saddened when a person close to my heart accused me of being fake. Of using her. Well, as I said I do not have to defend myself because my conscience is clean. Her harsh words against me were really degrading and demoralizing. At first, I only thought of it as her outburst of anger but it's been two weeks now and she still doesn't want to talk to me in person.

I feel sorry for her. She was devoured by the blindness of being her as the "victim". Well, I have done everything I could do to save our friendship. It's all in her hands now.

For everything that happened, I am not regretting any of it. Maybe this is the way for her to realize what has really "changed". I just wish her all good luck and best of health to her whole family. Because karma has its own way of bitching. And that must be really to be afraid of.


Saddening but that must be really it. Truth really does hurt. If our friendship is the price to pay for her to change or just to wake her up from this ''dream", then so be it.

VIP

I think it’s the best time for me to talk about my relationship with my “Ideal Boyfriend”. It’s been a month since he left the Philippines for Australia and less than a month before we turn one! Yay!

It was last year. Hopia pako sa ex ko. Kasi nagmeet pa kami nung January nung  kinuha ko yung pasalubong ko from her ate nung nagpunta sya ng Bahrain. Nirereto nako ng batchmate ko sa soro sa brod ng asawa nya na SChemEs din. “Dati”raw Chemeng at nurse. Hearing those, medyo di nako naging interisado. Kasi sa isip-isip ko baka puchu-puchu lang na school sya galing. Oo. It matters to me. Tapos pinakita ang Facebook profile. Pagtingin ko bang! Gwapo.. nung katabi! Si Marvin Cruz pala yun! Akala ko sya eh. So nung nakita ko sya. AYOKO. Lol.

Until I went to my sorority’s anniv party February. I met him there. Ang una kong impresyon sakanya: Manyak. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sumali rin kasi sya sa body shot game kaya medyo na-off ako.  Hanggang sa matapos ang program and finally we were able to get introduced formally. Nakakatawa! Kaboses nya kasi si Robin Padilla na idol raw nya at forever nya ko tinatawag na “Maám”. Ewan ko pero sobrang ma-appeal sya sa personal. Tas macho pa sya! Lol. Imagine? We were in a party and we talked about religion! Muslim raw kasi ang daddy nya at Catholic naman ang mommy nya. Tinanong ko kasi kung naniniwala sya sa Dyos ang sagot nya sakin eh “Oo pero hindi kay Jesus Christ”.

Dun ako nagpanting at nasabi ko na “Wala ka kasing Christian formation!” Kasi galing syang Rural etc. Dun na sya nagsalita na”Excuse me maám galing po akong Ateneo de Davao. 2 years po akong may Theo.”At dun ko na sya nagustuhan. Hehe. We talked almost everything about him. His orgs, his hobbies. Apprently, Tau pala sya at nagbabasketball. Check na check na sa bucket list ko. Minus the naggigitara na requirement. Lol. He talked about his very horrible past and how he was able to bounce back. First meeting palang naming yun pero lahat ng negative nya, sinabi na nya sakin kaagad. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko natanggap lahat ng yun. Tapos nagkwento na sya tungkol sa plano nya. Na plano nga nyang mag-Australia. Upon hearing that, medyo nalungkot ako. Kasi “Oh? Aalis ka naman pala eh?” Tsaka nya sinabi na “Bakit? Di ko ba pwedeng isama yung magiging special sakin dun?”Tas dedma nako. Lol

Malay ko ba na magiging kami??? Malay ko ba na ako pala yung magiging special na tinutukoy nya nun???

Our relationship is just steady. We’re not your usual couple who annoys you on Facebook and in public. We don’t even hold hands whenever we’re walking. We don’t cuddle. We don’t text every minute of the day. We don’t have vanity pics together. Maybe because he’s old enough para magpa-tweetums. I dunno. I get used to it na hindi na rin ako naghahanap. He’s not expressive unlike me na sobrang lambing. Pero okay lang. Natanggap ko. Kasi pag nagexpress naman sya astig lang pero ikamamatay ko naman sa kilig. Minsanan pero sobrang hindi makakalimutan.

Sobrang hirap din nung set-up naming last year kasi budget-wise di naman sya ganun ka well-off. Maliit lang ang sahod ng nurse sa Elbi. Usually ako yung sumasagot. Hindi naman pwedeng ako lang ang mag-date diba? Lol. Masaya na masakit sa bulsa. Sobrang pigang piga talaga ko nun tapos halos lahat ng free time ko, sakanya ko talaga dinedicate. Inom. Date. Basketball. Sleep. At some point, parang nakakapagod. Nakakaumay. Hanggang sa dumating na nagsawa nako sa lahat ng burdens ko sa buhay ko at pinili kong makipag-break just to get away. Sobrang na-guilty rin ako nun kasi masyado akong naging makasarili. Hindi nga naman sya nambabae o nagloko. Inintindi ko rin na yung mga circumstance at reasons nya. Tapos narealize ko…Hindi ko pala kaya. L

Hinabol ko sya. Kinain ko ang pride ko. Mabuti nalang mahal nya talaga ko at tinanggap nya ko ulit. Para nga naman kasi syang basura na basta ko nalang itinapon. Hindi ko man lang naconsider ang feelings nya. At higit sa lahat..Hindi ko sinabi yung mga issues ko.

Pag iniisip ko na magiisang taon na kami, parang di ko mapaniwalaan. Ambilis kasi! Parang kelan lang. Pag iniisip ko pano ko natanggap yung sobrang pangit nyang past, di ko rin alam.

Ang totoo minahal ko sya kasi nakita ko yung lalaki na gusto kong maging tatay ng mga magiging anak ko. Sobrang family man nya. Kahit andaming issues sa bahay nila, sobrang loyal pa rin nya. I really admired him for that. At alam ko na magiging good provider sya. May isa syang salita. Never sya nag-promise sakin kasi ayaw nya na magbbreak ng ganun. Siguro nga hindi nako naghahanap ng “boyfriend”. Nakita ko lahat ng goodness sakanya. Para kong may kuya at tatay pag kasama ko sya. Lol

I learned a lot of things about myself because of him. He brings out the best in me. We’re good partners in every activity that we do. Naging mas mabuti akong tao nang dahil sakanya. J

Haay. Nakakamiss. Nakakalungkot kasi nag-valentines at maga-anniv ako mag-isa! Sana kayanin. I’m praying the best for us. 

Post after hiatus

3237 miles apart. 17 days since he left to Perth. 2 days until Valentine’s Day.

These are just figures. I wish.  I only cried for two days after he left to pursue his studies and career in nursing there in the land down under. Quite weird? No? Sigh.

I’m doing good here. I hope so. Being busy with work keeps me focused and shrug off missing him. Well, I miss my whole life when he’s still around. I miss going out with him, his cousins and sister. I almost gave up all of my free time just to be with him. And I don’t have any regrets. At all. Even though that means time for watching basketball and watching him sleep. 

I’m missing him more now. :’( Sometimes I wonder if we really can survive this set-up. But this morning, I was able to get an overseas call from him. Yay! Kilig! <3 Haha. It really means a lot to me. Because a week since he left, I felt like he didn’t make much effort to catch up with me. Yeah, I know. Because he is still adjusting there. He’s living with his aunt and everything is shouldered by his aunt’s family. 

We were fighting just last week because of this misunderstanding. It was really difficult for me because I was used to texting him everything that I do. I can call him anytime whenever he’s not replying promptly. But now. It’s very difficult. It takes a lot of patience and understanding just to make us cool. It’s difficult to have fights much especially petty fights because we cannot resolve them sooner. Usually it takes hours before we can talk again. That is, a good thing, because we keep our cool. Our concerns do not become issue between us anymore.

I think we just cope with the situation. But it really scares me because what if this distance would make us forget each other? What if he finds another woman? What if I found someone else? I’m really really scared because I promised of not leaving him. That he is the only one and that I will wait for him. It was a good news knowing that his classes were shortened to a year instead of two years. Even before we’re not yet a couple, he already mentioned his plans of settling down abroad. This time, it’s with me. I could feel the pressure already because I think our relationship is still not yet matured enough to go to that level. Or just me?  I am not yet ready. I am only turning 25 this year and I am not yet satisfied with my accomplishments and my youth.

You know what really concerns me? It’s because he’s asking me to be with him after two years without even asking for a wedding proposal!!! My gaaaahd!!! But anyway, I’m hoping for the best. This year, physically without him, I’d do things I missed doing when I was still single. That includes bumming myself over the internet on weekends, watching movies/series, reading books, hanging out with my bestest friends. Gosh! So many things to do, so little time!

Oh well. 

Hi! :)

Thinking of a new background for this blog. And of making this blog public again.

Yes. I'm back. :)

Shaky.

My boyfriend is a health buff. He always goes to the gym, run for almost 21K every day, do curl ups and use their stationary bike aside from playing basketball. 

Yes he's a nurse. An eight-hour duty in the hospital is not an easy task. Most of the time, he gets to work for more hours because his work requires him so. 

Now, with our set-up of only meeting during weekends and with unfixed time for communication, add the fact that he is not that expressive and sweet, how can we survive?

I'm trying to be more understanding. I'm trying hard to make us work. We're both busy but sometimes I also long for romance and time with him. But yeah. It can't be just like that.

I don't know how far this can go? To be honest, I can really live on my own. I don't really need a boyfriend. Having someone to care for sometimes makes me paranoid and that's not healthy. Add the fact that I have a low self-esteem. I have so much insecurities. And then her first cousin was crowned as Bb. Pilipinas-Universe 2013! Great. 

I've already met her closest family members. I think he's sincere but at the end of the day, I don't have peace of mind. Whenever we don't get to talk on the phone or exchange messages, I always have doubts of his fidelity. I have an end in mind that he will cheat on me. So I am prepared.

Just what I told before, I just go with the flow. If he is not the right guy for me, at least I will not be that hurtful. 

But every time he gets to remember me, it is always special. I always look forward the weekends because of him. Five days from work is less than two days spent with him! I've never been this happier. And I've never been this understanding. 

I may find this set-up tiresome at times, but with the scenario of us being together, so much worth it. 

I swallowed everything I said.

As in everything.

And I cannot believe myself! I never thought of it even in my wildest dream! WHY???
But yeah. As my mantra goes.. "NO REGRETS". Kdot.

Just I realized how evil I was when my ex and I were together. How did he even tolerate my mere existence! (Wow! Haha) I was soooo immature and childish and bratty and ugh.. Okay. Move on.

Here I am. Feeling like blind. Out of nowhere, who don't know where and what to start. I don't feel the old me. I don't even feel I am myself. I just go with the flow. And yet I am happier than before. I still have my expectations but I don't impose them anymore. I feel like a child. But not childish anymore. I don't know why I got here. I just felt it. It's a big risk but the hell I thought about it. If I got played again, then it's his loss. I think I'm wiser now. I think I can handle failures now. Better. I think? I wish.

Of course I still have my fears. A lot. I don't know what's with him that made me say yes...sooner. Maybe because I really don't believe in courtship? Or I just found my ideal man way back college. :p

"Fratman, gwapo, macho, matalino, ChemEng, sporty"

All those describe him. Funny is, I didn't meet him in College. Lols.

I never thought that I could find a man with ALL my criteria. (Lakas!) With how I think of the situation, maybe it's maturity. I learned how not to be idealistic. I'm just hoping for the best.  Literally, bahala na.