Indifference

Overdue. Verdict? Stop this nonsense.

I have allotted ample time for him to prove himself (only without him knowing though). I'm getting tired of his daily shit. Of him not putting me on his priority list. Yes he spends time with me. He texts me from time to time but I WANT SOMETHING ELSE. I WANT MORE.

I want him to be mushy for me. I want him to surprise me. I expect a lot yesterday but that was it. The money he sent me for me to buy what I want was already gone. There was no sense of "personalization". Though I felt special in a way BUT I WAS REALLY EXPECTING MORE!!!

What really upsets me was finding out this morning of him greeting his stupid frat its anniversary with the change of cover and display photo and all! I know it's petty BUT.. SERIOUSLY??? He didn't even greet me on Facebook???

I am really disappointed. Frustrated. I just want to have a normal romantic relationship. Why is it so hard to get? Am I really that bad to deserve this kind of life???

I shouldn't be whining now. I had realizations when I turned 25. I was happy and really contented with my life..supposedly until he ruined everything.

I don't want to settle for less anymore. I don't deserve sacrificing my own happiness all for him. I am just tired. Truly tired. 

I cannot bring this up because I know this will trigger a fight. I know him so well. He is a varsity in blaming game. All these shit will just be reverted back to me.

So, what now? Ignore. Kakaurat na.

Happy Birthday?

Looking back at my previous birthdays, I was excited preparing them. After graduation, I had this annual celebration of my birthday at home. I invite few friends over and let them mingle with my closest relatives.

But this year is different. Despite it's my 25th, I don't feel any excitement at all. Ever since my boyfriend went to Australia, my happiness has gone a bit. My lifestyle has totally changed! I used to be an outgoing person but now I am only at home during weekends. I merely go out to see movies nor at least see my friends. No more weekend gimmicks. No more beers and late night chats. NOT. SO. ME.

I had this feeling of guilt when I am having a good time with other people. I don't know. I don't even "enjoy" the moment. It's still incomplete.

Maybe that's human nature. We can never be contented. When I was with boyfriend, I used to crave for my "freedom". But now I have ALL the time, I dunno. I just don't feel it.

I need to spice up my life. It became soo boring. As much as I wanted to go out or plan travel, it just becomes luxurious and I just left being broke. So might as well, stuck myself at home. And not to disregard so much bills to be prioritized. Whew! Poor me!

Quarter-life crisis? Please Lord show me enlightenment. Huhu

Lol

Who was I kidding?

Let's see until when

I'm not really good at hiding my feelings. I am in wrath right now. It's really absurd it is the person you love who you could hate the most.

I said to myself, I need to have some pride. I need to resist him just to teach him a lesson. And I am praying hard that I'll be able to do it successfully. Because he is my weakness and I am not sure of myself if I could really do it.

It's so unfair he'd treat me that way. And I tolerate him? I really don't know why of all people, why I cannot have control over him. I mean, at least control myself.

I become powerless. He becomes fabricating bitch. And to tell honestly, I never trusted him anyway. That's really really vague. How can you love someone you don't fully trust?! Like seriously???

This LDR thing truly consumes me! I thought I finally got used to it but then I realized... He is a bad investment. I think it's time for me to wake up with this "ideal" dream. We're really not going anywhere.

I won't let him do it to me again. I've had enough. I gave him everything that I could. And now, pride is all I have. I wouldn't waste it for him.

I'll be on hiatus. I need to have some time alone. Just offline maybe. Good thing S5 has blocking feature. It's really useful. Let's see what happens next. Because I am really tired. He didn't let me talk? Then he wouldn't let me talk to him ever again.

Hello new hair ;)

So I had my hair cut again. Oops. Haha.

                                                       Hazel Grace Lancaster. Not. HAHA


I'd sworn to myself that I will never cut my hair short ever again. Not until last year. And last Sunday. Lol.
Actually, there's no big deal. It wasn't like the first time I had cut my hair out of depression or something like that. I was just B-O-R-E-D. Was I?

Okaaaay. The story behind the last year's cut was, uhmm. HAHAHAHA. FALSE ALARM!

You see. I really had a long hair last year. But I had plans of having a haircut already because you know long hair is very difficult to maintain. You need lots of amount of shampoo and conditioner. You comb it. That is very tedious for me, by the way. And I hate falling hair!!! And other concerns that pester me.

Ugggh. It's soooo not easy being a girl. Add the PMS every month that I must say the reason behind this cutting. I had this urge of getting hair-free (but not bald) literally.

                                                                   Bye Long Hair!!!

                                                                  The Super Short Hair



So going back, uhmmm. My boyfriend and I had a petty fight. We were talking via SMS and then all of a sudden, he was unattended. I couldn't reach him. I was really furious. So to calm myself down, I went to Bench Fix and fixed myself. Lol.

And when I arrived at the dorm, he texted and said that he fell asleep! WHAT THE??!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So there. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I was kinda stupid because I let my feelings eat me. Like ALL THE TIME. I know. It's really shallow. Oh well. No regrets. I'm still happy because at least the preparation time going work is lessened.

I think girls who have short hair are bolder. I believe that hair is everyone's crowning glory and losing it is like making less them of a woman. Not for me. I don't want to be just like the other girls. You can also see the a girl's personality through her hair. Super straight hair and curly-haired girls are high maintenance women. Me, I just want to be care-free. Wash-and-wear hair allows me to move swiftly especially in the morning or whenever I have plans of going out. I don't like preparing too long. As they say, I am not a girl prepping.

As for last Sunday, honestly I was feeling disappointed with some people that's why I needed to pamper myself. Unfortunately, the idea of pampering was the Korean Salon in SM Calamba. Impulsively, I entered the salon and agreed to have a makeover.

Just like that, my hair is short again. Lol.

Though I love the feeling of having a short hair, I think I need to let my hair grow longer this time. I need to be girly-girly just a little bit. HAHAHA. K.

And I told myself before my boyfriend left that I will not cut my hair until he arrives. I miss him terribly. :(

Father Issues

I kinda feel sad today and awkward. Yes, I still have my father but it doesn't feel like it. You know, he'll be forever my first love since I WAS really a daddy's girl when I was still a kid until he met his second wife, five years after my mom passed away. Everything changed after that...

I still remember how I idolized him. How high my respect for him for raising us his two kids on his own and gave us everything we need back then. How I loved him that much. How we exchanged "I love yous" and kissed each other. But that was LONG TIME AGO.

Through him I learned that I can trust no man, ever. I had this thought until I fell in love at 20. I risked everything even though I had this fear. I even told him my fear. And that only man who I gave my whole heart to, also broke it into pieces. He didn't fail me. 

To be honest, I didn't need any man in my life, I thought so. I know I am independent and brave and can handle things my own. Having a man in my life only weakens me. It gives me a reason to be fragile and be dependent. 

You might be thinking what now? Currently, I am in a relationship of more than a year and almost half a year LDR. You see. That's what saddens me today. Frightens me to be exact. Today's celebration re-triggers that fear. And I am really scared right now that I don't know how to handle this.

I'm scared that he might leave me just like them. That if I told him about this, it would put pressure on him and leave me as well. I'm scared that if he finally knows my weakness, he'll use it against me. That he'll overpower me with that weakness and I'll end up being..weak. 

I prayed to God for that man. To heal my broken heart from the previous relationship. I am also praying that he'll also be the person to heal my wounds from my father's. Each moment that we fight, I can't help but question if I really am in the right relationship. Or if eventually not, is he really worth another pain.

My father leaving us really made a mark to me. Or should I say trauma? As this day ends, may this fear just good for today. I don't want to live my life scared and not trying. I want to have kids and how can I achieve that dream by not having a husband with me. I know its too early to say but  to quote Lemony Snicket,

“If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”

One step closer

Years ago, my ultimate dream was to work for this certain company. It was my ultimate dream since..high school, I think? And as mentioned from my earlier blogs, when I wanted something, by all means and how much long I will able to achieve it, I get it.

Sounds scary? Haha. But yeah. That's me. Until I graduated from my dream university and my dream company didn't materialize.There was no way I was able to get in there though I have lots of contacts. It's just that the "timing"wasn't perfect that time. Until I forgot about it. My dream company became one of my forgotten memories.

I'm in my quarter life already and just like everyone else, I am into this "crisis". I've left my previous job for the new boss who is my fraternity brother. I can say that I am happy but not that "happy". I miss the challenge when I was in HVCDP. I miss the travels and the people. And believe it or not, yes, I also miss my ex-boss.

Coincidence? A friend of mine mentioned to me that her position is available in that company. OMG!!! Is this a sign????  Despite the emotional dilemmas I have inside, I updated my resume and sent it to her as she instructed. My boss' term is only less than two years (PNoy's) and he's been really kind to me. But I just gave it a try. For once in my life, I'd be able to prove to myself that I CAN be near that dream.

Actually up to now, I'm still undecided but I really have to choose. I"m confused of getting that job because:

1.  Courtesy to my brod 
2. The schedule of leave next year when Isser decides to take a vacation. Because with my current boss who is lenient and very understanding I can take at most two weeks for this. 
3. Weight and schedule of work. Much to my comfort, the 6-day work schedule is really not for me. Though I am trained to difficult and stressful assignments, I don't think I can give up my Saturdays. 
4. Location. If ever I get hired, I have to move out from the dorm since it's out of way already. I don't want to torture myself from the Hells of MRT 3 or the Hells of EDSA if I commute from Laguna everyday. This is just hassle.
5. No holiday on my birthday. If I get hired then, no more QC day! All plans ruined for my 25th! :(

But a voice inside my heart speaks of the forgotten dream to be remembered and help myself get out of this comfort zone. The comfort zone of being dependent to my boyfriend's decisions and to where I feel un-insecure. 

I'd like to take a chance for that dream. Ika nga, testing lang. Wala namang mawawala. Kung para sakin, para sakin. If not, at least I tried. :)