Ang gulo.

I am lost. Seriously. I need inspiration. It's my seventh month in the office and I'm getting bored with the things I do here. Everything is routinary. Yung tangina gigising ka ng Lunes tapos in denial ka na Lunes na talaga. Kaya ka papasok para hintayin ang Byernes o kung papasok ka, para sa sweldo. Ayoko na talaga! Nakakaiyak! Tapos pag Friday, mangangarag ka kasi ang onti ng bakasyon. Isang kisap mata lang, Lunes na naman!

I know this is not healthy anymore. Pinipilit ko nalang yung sarili ko dahil wala naman ako ibang gagawin plus  iniisip ko nalang ang dormmates and officemates. But I know, I am not enjoying any longer. I am not happy with my work.

So other than that, eto na naman ang problema ko. Ulit ulit nalang. By the way, mas feel ko pala magblog ng ganito: para ALL out! Haha. 

Nagparamdam sakin yung brod ko after 2 years! Imagine? 2010 pa yung huling communication namin tapos mangungumusta out of the blue? I know something fishy is going on. Hindi naman sya ganito. At alam ko na syempre yung gusto nya. Pero medyo engot din ako kasi inentertain ko parin sya. So yun, agad agad siya nakipagkita sakin. Ewan ko rin bakit ako pumayag. Lol. 

Wala syang sinabi kunsan kami magkikita. Tapos nung malapit nako, saka palang nya sinabi na sa apartment nalang nya ko sya puntahan. Hindi naman sa madumi ang isip ko, pero alam ko kasi may iba na syang binabalak. Kitain ko nalang daw sya sa Fifth. 

Syempre medyo nagulat ako. Kasi si ex ay sa Fifth nakatira. Yun pala sa tapat lang sya. Pagdating ko, Andun nga yung Innova sa Fifth at sinundo nako ng brod ko sa tapat. Kinakabahan ako kasi baka makita nya kami. Sa lahat kasi ng lalaki, yun yung pinagselosan ng ex ko. Hindi ko alam bat ko pa sya naiisip sa panahong yun. 

So yun, pagpasok ng apartment, diretso kami sa kwarto. Kinakabahan talaga ko kasi anu namang gagawin namin dun eh kaming dalawa lang yung tao. Buti nalang may TV. Awkward din kasi imagine? 2010? Ampetsa na ngayon? Makakaconnect pa ba sya sakin? So since malaki yung room na nakalatag lang yung beds, dun ako sa kabilang side. Dulong dulo. Haha.

So ang nangyari, nagkwentuhan nalang kami at nagtake out ng McDo. At kwentuhan pa rin. Pero kung tutuusin, kung malandi landi lang ako, pwedeng pwede e. Parehas na "raw" kasi kaming single. Pero yun. Nag-alas singko, nga-nga! Haha. 

Tapos yun, umalis nako para sa 5:30PM mass. Hindi ko rin actually alam kung anu magiging reaksyon ko sa walang nangyari. Lol. Yung totoo kasi, tarages. Tigang na tigang nako. I need tongue exercise. Lol. Baka hindi nako marunong. Wow. Hahaha.

Isang taon din yun. Lately nga, yun ang pangarap ko. Tapos nung may chance, wala naman ako nagawa. Hindi ko rin pala talaga kaya. Reserved parin pala talaga ko. So lahat ng mga ambisyon ko lately eh kathang isip ko lang. Duwag na duwag naman ako pag andyan na.

Naisip ko rin sya. Ano kaya iniisip nya sakin? Malamang badtrip. HAHAHA. Eh kasi pangatlong "attempt" na to. Lol. Eh yun. Malas lang. Wrong girl. 

Sakto lang sa homily ni Fr. Thor. Tsaka hindi ko rin pala kakayanin kung magsisimba ko eh ang naughty ko? Sa totoo lang, ayoko na magsimba ng 5:30 kasi lagi rin nandun si X. Buti nalang wala sya. Pagkatapos ng misa, palabas habang nagkkwento ko sa friend ko, natigilan sya. Ayun. Nasa harap na pala nya kami. Wow lang. 

So eto ang dilemma ko. Ang gulo ko. Hoho. Baka siguro kelangan ko na talaga ng boyfriend? Hanep. Maisingit lang? Haha. Kasong walang wala e. Kaya mas gusto ko nalang sa bahay. Masaya pa kami ng mga pinsan ko. Kesa yung malayo ako sakanila at kung anu ano naiisip ko..

Rain makes you realize things.

I want to go home. The rains these days made me realized things. Many things.

1. That even if how safe I am here in the city, I still wanted to be in my old ancestral home with my "family" in Laguna. I'd rather stay in our house even if it's dripping wet all over the place due to inferior ceilings and roofs. 
2. That even if our house  is almost rotten, it's a Wi-fi hot spot and you will enjoy watching on an LED TV with almost all channels.
3. That even if you got money in the bank or even at hand, your money is useless when their business is closed. Eat your shit!
4. That when you can't decide on what food and where to eat, some of our countrymen do not know where to evacuate from the flood, if they can be rescued from their rooftops or if they can still survive at all.
5. That all you can do is wait and pray for the rain to stop.
6. That even clouds pour heavy rain when it cannot handle the weight anymore.
7. That even for days and nights of rainfall, the clouds can still pour heavy amount of rain without getting tired. Hindi nagsasawa. Hindi nauumay. 
8. That it can't rain forever. Sun will soon rise.Just like in life. There are sad times. There are happy ones.
9. That even if how devastated Metro Manila is, Filipinos can still find humor and laugh.
10. That we only share one planet. The trash of another will affect everyone in the end. 

Birthday bucket list

I have seventeen days left before my teens ends. Chos! I can't believe I am turning 23 already! Time really flies so fast! Okay. Since it's 2012, I'll have my bucket list of wishes. For my birthday and for.. if it is really the end of the world. Lol.

1. iTouch- Well, I am just waiting for it to arrive. My Kuya Ian promised me that he will replace my "lost" iPod with this. Haha. Lucky me! Can't wait~
2. iPad- Okay. I'm getting addicted to Apple products. I still have my Nobi but it's bulky for me. Aside from the fact that I just use it now for internet and movie watching. I still think it's better if I have a tablet for convenience. For this, I will ask my aunt in UK to get me as a present (birthday and Christmas since she will come home at the end of this year). I still think that this is too much to ask for one occasion. *crossed-fingers*
3. Blackberry phone- Again? Haha. But now, I realized I need to get connected online. I feel primitive without getting any information from the outside world. Just like when Dolphy died, It's like I was the last person on earth to know! How awful! To get this, I will buy it for myself. Again. Lol
4. The Fault in Our Stars- Gaaaaah! I love John Green!!! I just finished the Looking For Alaska that I bought a month ago and there's a preview of this. It left me hanging! Why did I not finish it sooner? It was a great a book and The Fault in Our Stars is (what they say) the best! I asked my batchmate to have this as her gift for me! Hoho.
5. The Holy Bible- I just feel the need of getting one. I need divine intervention in my life right now.
6. Another Tattoo?- I dunno. I also feel like getting one. Lol. Let's see.
7. New hairdo- I want my hair dyed. For the haircut, I'm still thinking of what style. If I'm going to have it short or what.. Probably next weekend! Yay! :D
8. A trip outside the country- An Asian getaway! Yes! Thanks Nanay Dada! Can't wait to see you again! :))) Fourth quarter of the year is just around the corner...
9. Local trips- Let's give this to DA. It's their job! Hoho
10. Birthday sex- JOKE! I can't think of any. Well, I can get one, if he's too hot to handle, I might. OMG! What am I talking about! I am insane! O.o

So there. 9 of them! :))) I have until December 21, 2012 to complete this birthday wish list! See? My list is SMART. (Specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-bound! :D) C'mon 2012! Bring 'em on! Ha! 

Love and reality

I've never been this affected to any celebrity love teams. I used to be a Kimerald but when they split up,  I didn't even care. Last Sunday, I watched Sarah G Live. It was half of the show already when I tuned in until Aiai interviewed Sarah's parents. I was on the edge of my seat and then everything turned out sooo heartbreaking.

The gist was, Gerald stopped courting Sarah and Sarah denied that it was her mommy behind it. But what she was saying was contrary to what she was showing. You can feel her pain! And I burst into tears when her mom gave her advice and she said she wasn't in a hurry, muntik lang!

Poor Sarah! 24 and still treated like a little girl! She has served her family well and been an obedient child all her life but they can't let her experience something normal her age should be enjoying. When his father was asked on what qualities are they looking for Sarah's boyfriend he said someone who will never leave her and will never make her cry. I almost flip the table! C'mon! It's just a boyfriend! As if their daughter will be married soon! Then, I was dumbfounded.

I used to think this way. That the first boyfriend should be the one and only. But reality bites. And not everything happens in the fairy tales should come true to everybody. That heartbreaks and pain are necessity for growth. That you will learn from relationship failures. These realizations fired up in my mind in just split seconds.

In a snap of fingers, I came to my senses and understood Gerald's point of view. If he really stopped because of Sarah's parents' rules in courtship, no one should blame him. He might have realized the pressure and the consequences if they become a couple. They are still young. And Gerald has a lot of things to explore and enjoy about her age being a man.

At the end of the day, I was still able to smile. I am still luckier than Sarah. I was able to experience being in a relationship though it didn't last the way I expected it to be. I learned a lot and I think I can maturely handle the next relationship better. But still, like Sarah, I will just standby and pray for that man to come and I could finally say he is worth the wait!

Sweet Catastrophe

Sorrow is such a sweet certainty

Of pain, of remorse; candy-coated melancholy.

Every tear is luscious like honey

Most especially when you're feeling lonely.

I have a sweet-tooth, baby.

I get sugar rush when I indulge in misery

I weep in mishap, in its sweetened taste.

Affliction and remorse, I forever chase.

Heavy heart.

I know this is sooo over rated but I just have to release this. I need an outlet and this blog is perfect! I mean, what's the use of my blog if not for these?

Pain is an understatement. I am completely numb.. last time I checked. But events this weekend made me realized how affected I am still. How crazy I am over.. wait for it.. Okaaaay...him!

Last Friday was PaCEMula: CEMplangan opening. Honestly, I was really torn on going or not. I haven't slept for two days because of office work and going home would be really helpful for me. But yeah. FRIENDS! I can't say no! Another thing is the weather. The clouds were scary! On my way to HM terminal, I was thinking how lucky I was that moment when I was able to have a perfect timing. Rain hasn't poured yet when I reached the bus terminal. As the bus leaves, just in time for the heavy rain!

When I arrived in elbi, there was no single drop of rain! Just my luck when I told my friend to meet me at the corner of Agapita, I saw his car! I just saw the letters of the plate number so I waited for it to turn left for me to see it completely. And positive! It was his car! I was shaking to my nervousness I don't even know why! But it gave me a hint to where he lives so I followed him! Lol. I was positive that night and voila! Quoting my favorite series Once Upon A Time "I will always find you". :p

Haha. Stalker me! Guess what? He just lives at the back of Clemente! Gaaaah! And it was me again who found out where he lives! I ran back to LBNHS to meet my friend because she was waiting for a while already.

The morning after, I woke up late so I wasn't able to get back home in the morning. The couple aems alumni who also slept over at clemente randomly called him and invited him over. I was already packing my things that time. I was just waiting for my ordered meal for delivery. And there, Jojo was already mentioning the people around. I told them not to include me. For sure he won't come. I was also decided to go home then.. But they insisted for me to stay. Part of me wanted to but the other wanted to save myself from whatever embarrassment/what-not.

Just as I entered the room, when everyone else was outside, I heard them in excited voices! He arrived! That moment, I thought I was going to get sick! My whole body was shaking! My hands and feet were cold and sweaty! My heart kept beating faster that its usual. I didn't know what to do! I wanted to disappear! I was just there at the room. So near to him yet so far! I heard them telling stories. Making fun of him. Aems missed him. Paw and Che, went to me from time to time. I really wanted to go home.  And then, all of sudden when they left me, he peaked me at the door and said these cold words"Andyan ka pala?". With a very insulted face.

Moment of silence. I was stunned. I didn't know what to do. So just as he left the room, I went out as well. Pretended that everything was okay. Jojo and Rose Ann brought us chocolate ice cream and from that moment I revealed myself to him---define AWKWARD! They just made fun out of it but it was completely awkwardness filling out every space of that apartment!

I just waited for my lunch to arrive because he didn't talk after he saw me, I left Clemente.


I had a heavy heart. He might thought that it was one of my schemes! So after I arrived home, I texted him right away explaining things to him. And yes. He was consistent. He never replied.

It's raining and I'm all by myself.

I just want to cuddle. I just want more hugs. But how could I possibly do that? I bought another pillow! For my feet. I already have the hugger-type but I am dissatisfied. These times, its sucks to be alone. These times, I'm not just alone but I am lonely. These times.. I miss you.