Wounds of past

Today is mother's day. But today's post is not about that.

I was able to have a small chat with my Tita Bhaby this morning. She mentioned my father on how he waited for me at home after graduation. Unfortunately, we came late. He was not able to wait that longer his wife was insisting him to come home. Hearing this, there was a pinch in my heart. I know we're not in good terms. What happened in the past, I cannot just let forget everything about them. I pitied him. He lost us. Years ago.

It would be a long post if I tell what had really happened. All I know is, everything made my growing up years traumatic. I really love my Tatay. He was the greatest! I was a daddy's girl when he's not married yet to that evil witch! That bitch brainwashed my father. She ruined our family! And so, leaving us homeless for thirteen years now. Great!

Thirteen years without him was like treating him dead already. Yes. I consider myself an orphan. Will you blame me for feeling this way? When I visited my aunt in Batangas, her husband, Uncle Ed asked me about him. Actually every relative from my mother side always asks me about my father. What do I say? I DON'T KNOW. What can I do? I really don't know and I don't fucking care. AT ALL. Yeah I know. It's kinda embarrassing for a daughter not to know anything about her father. I don't know where he lives, what he does now for a living.. etc. etc. The same way he is to us. For thirteen years, he forgot his role as a father. He left us in our lola's custody. Lola Abe is old but she managed to give us everything we need to think that it's not her responsibility to raise us. And now he will appear to us as if nothing happened? Oooh. Yeah. Because he did nothing! Can you feel my grudge? It's only the tip you can imagine.

But somehow, this morning, I felt Tatay's pain. I know he loves us like what he always say but he cannot show us that. That's what resents me. As much as I wanted to understand him, I can't. The wounds are still there and whenever I see him, it just goes deeper and deeper. I think we're better off this way. Maybe some time, I could finally forgive him. But it would never be easy and can't be in an instant. What we are now, he chose this. He is the cause of his own suffering.

This is the reason why I don't engage into relationship during my teens. If my own father can abandon us how much more a guy I am not blood-related? And I was correct. I was dumped without notice by the guy who promised of not leaving me for shallow reasons. And I swear, it won't happen again. I've had enough. I can't bear another.

How a DJ made my day! ^___^

 So I listened to RX Monster Radio all this day while finishing AFMPuta. Lol. When DJ Cerah played as Madam in their show. It was hilarious I tweeted her being panny! :))) What I missed was, she mentioned my name on air! My batchmate texted me! Huuur! I was really upset because I was really listening all day and when it was my shining moment...POPPED! >.<

Instead of regretting, I played with Snow's cam. Hoho. And guessed what? DJ Cerah tweeted me twice! :D But I'm too lazy to print screen. HAHA :)) Any, she made my day! ^____^ I will treat myself later to milk tea with Kris at SM Fairview!

Feeling DJ. Haha

Patweetums sa workstation

Summer isn't forever

Swimming in a vast dysphoria,
In multitude but kissed in despair.
I rinsed from vagary.
It wasn't ordinary.

Waves of reminiscence touched me
as I walk away from the sea.
The sun is completely setting..
So long, my sweet reverie.

This is what uncompensated employee does..

Just stressed.

It's been a while since I cried. And the reason is not him. Lol. 

Yesterday. I was so furious and felt that the world is soooo UNFAIR! I can't give the details. I might explode again. Karla was with me to have Gong Cha and indulged myself over McDo's cheeseburger and fries. I feel sorry for her. I knew I shocked her with my behavior. Hoho. Yeah. I cried while ranting down the stairs of the DA Building until we get to SM North! The Hell I care! I just needed to release all my bad vibes! How I wish I could have someone I could throw a punch in the face! Apply what I learned from my Boxing lessons..

I realized one thing after, that it is very easy for me to make me happy. Small things. In that sense. I am shallow. The same by how I can be upset.

Back to the cycle

I am feeling lonely again. I guess because I saw his pictures again using my dummy account yesterday. Stop judging. Everyone does it! It crushed me inside seeing him with his friends (who I never met) and with Jolo (Kath's ex-but-still-seeing-each other) add the fact that the person who uploaded the picture has a crush on him.

I'm missing him again and I feel weak. I am not the person I was before. To avoid messaging him, because it's totally pointless, I ran again through my contact list and messaged two guys. The first one was Ivan. Yeah. Why did he cross my mind after what he's done to me? But ugggh. I sent the message anyway. Second one was PJ. I still remembered how he embarrassed me in front of many educated people! I realized, I don't really have guy friends. I don't include my brods and closest guys of course. I mean, guys I can have something. Malice. Lol. You know? I miss the feeling of kinikilig. Yung may malisya. Haha

After a while of contemplating my life on earth, my phone rang. I was hesitant of answering it because the number was not registered in my contact list. I pressed the green button and asked who it was then I heard a voice that sounded familiar. I was really nervous. It was Froi's voice.

He spoke in a very low-tone voice, "Si PJ to". Okaaaaay. BASAG. After all this time I was still waiting for him to do that? Seriously?! Haaaay. I am a self-confessed pathetic!

I was really shocked! Why would he call me? So I just entertained him. Nakakahiya naman sa pagtawag nya. Until we arrived to having a date next month in his area. WTF. Faster than a speed of light! Maybe I am over analyzing things. This time, I don't want to put malice here. Lol. Not him. Not PJ Bautista. Yeah I know. My criteria in finding a guy includes "brainy" but not summa cum laude-class valedictorian PJ level!!!

I am becoming needy again. I don't want to fall back into the old cycle. The problem is, I am too choosy. How will I be able to compromise this? Tss.

Silver Tassle

Happy Graduation to me! :D

Days had passed and I must say that the momentum for posting about this bores me now. As previously mentioned, yeah, it's gone. I wore a simple magenta dress. I just borrowed shoes from my Tita Marie which resulted to feet sores! I had my make up done by my close relative. My closest cousins Jay and Kuya Pao weren't able to come since Jay had to attend to his OJT and the car could only accommodate six people. Add the fact that it's too hot, the traffic and ugggh, just excuses.

My Lola Abe insisted to come though I told everybody that it's hassle to tag her since she's 89 already, the extreme weather and the open-field venue. Oh well. She waited for this moment. I realized she loves me that much! :"> Kuya Michael missed his 15-year HS Class Reunion just to attend to my graduation that really made my heart melt!

I returned Going Lala by Alexandra Potter to Tandybear though I'm still few pages left to finish reading it. :( I had few Kodak moments with my orgmates and former classmates. It's sad. Too late to realize to graduate with your original batchmates is more fun! During the procession, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who greeted me and took me pictures! My other co-graduates were jealous of how I got those "fans". LOL
They didn't know, inside, I was screaming to death over my feet's suffering! Just I reached my seat, I took off my shoes and got relieved by the well-taken-care-grass. Hallelujiah!

Before I realized it, the ceremony has ended. It was not the graduation rites that I was expecting. No chills. No goosebumps or teary eyes. Maybe because the Valedictory Address pissed me off. Or time has passed me by. Or I didn't have the chance to finally say goodbye. Yeah. Up to the last moment I was expecting to have crossroads with him. But the was no single chance. And this was my ultimatum. Now or never again. Just sad. I might never see him again.. I just have to accept it.

One thing I loved about this day was, after I wake up the next day, even though in dress and still in make up, I will not have to worry about getting a job! :)