Ramblings

I should be reading by now in preparation for my technical examination for tomorrow. Yeah. Another shot for a new employment. Honestly, I don't feel like taking the exam because of:

1. I am scared of being rejected again. I am so tired of it.
2. I am too lazy to read. I can't comprehend a thing!
3. I am not ready for tomorrow.
4. I don't know if I can make it to the next cut.

And I have a long list in my mind I am lazy to enumerate them. I just don't feel motivated. My self-esteem has been decreasing lately because of unsuccessful job-hunting.

And my latest realization towards my boyfriend..

As I was ranting to him awhile ago, instead of encouraging me, he made me feel more guilty of everything unfortunate that has happened to me. I know he wanted me to push harder but the way he said things, it's as if everything is my fault. Then I realized...

I was never really part of his plans. He promised me a lot of things but none of them had a specific date. I feel cold to him after our conversation because to be honest our talks became repetitive and routinary. No more interesting, funny or deep conversations with him anymore. It's always me who always do the talking and missing. I am the one who constantly bugs him for video calls or voice calls.

..that makes me feel sad. I thought if I had a partner he'd be the one I can turn to first. He will encourage me and will never give up on me. He will always be excited to hear my voice. He will always wanted me to be happy.

Then, I am totally wrong. I just need to find myself, again. After I have fully established myself, I know I can be finally be on my own. I won't be needing someone else's assurance. 

I am unsure of him. Again. 

Way to Happiness

Happy that October is finally over. It's one tough month. The toughest of 2014 so far.

I welcomed my November boozing at Paseo de Sta. Rosa and scuba diving in Batangas. It was what I really needed. I needed a break from all the stress and BS of everything.

I was into job-hunting and unfortunately, I was not successful in landing a new decent job. I really hate my job now to the point that I am always absent that I do not care how much will be left in my pay slip. 

I. NEED. TO. GET. AWAY. FROM. HERE.

BADLY.

Okay. Going back to my diving experience. It was unforgettable! It was soooo fun that I almost found myself in the depths of the sea!Maybe I was that worried that our diving instructor noticed how lost I was. He talked to me and I opened up to him with no hesitation.

The problem was I do not know what I really want in life now. So he gave me tips on how to be in my path to happiness. He told me to list down things that make me happy in ten days. No matter how shallow or weird those things are. Knowing them should give me an idea where would it lead me. And of course, FOCUS. I should learn how to trade off things in order to achieve a goal. 

So for now, I would be listing down things that make me happy in no particular order:

1. Eating my favorite food (sashimi, Dear Darla pizza, kebab, tacos, nachos, hakaw, salad, ice cream, yoghurt)
2. Drinking beer with friends
3. Singing in a crowd
4. Singing in a chorale
5. Traveling to beautiful places
6. Doing extreme activities (skywalking, extreme rides..)
7. Watching heartfelt/ tear-jerker movies
8. Watching kilig drama
9. Putting on make-up
10. Me hair-free (Going to the waxing salon)
11. New-do, nice nails (Going to the salon)
12. Super sarap na masahe!!!
13. Eating dark chocolates
14. Watching live concerts of cool and favorite artists
15. Watching live basketball game
16. Watching Isser play basketball (hihi)
17. Waking up next to Isser
18. Wrapping my arms around Isser's arm
19. Sniffing Isser's armpit
20. Hearing Isser's voice
21. Seeing Isser on Skype
22. Being with Isser
23. Sleeping next to Isser
24. Listening to music that fits my mood
25. Dancing
26. Going to the beach
27. Dumb talks with my friends
28. Deep conversations
29. Watching horror movies with friends
30. Bonding with cousins
31. Forehead kisses
32. Surprise hugs
33. SURPRISES
34. Receiving flowers
35. Receiving gifts
36. Being serenaded
37. Handwritten letters/notes
38. Sniffing Isser's scent
39. Cuddling
40. Christmas
41. Summer
42. Cute earrings
43. Done brows
44. Eyes lash extensions
45. Lola's jokes
46. Pink Gerbera
47. Warm shower
48. New and fresh sheets
49. Learning new food recipes
50. Light traffic when commuting 

...to be continued ;)