Indifference

Overdue. Verdict? Stop this nonsense.

I have allotted ample time for him to prove himself (only without him knowing though). I'm getting tired of his daily shit. Of him not putting me on his priority list. Yes he spends time with me. He texts me from time to time but I WANT SOMETHING ELSE. I WANT MORE.

I want him to be mushy for me. I want him to surprise me. I expect a lot yesterday but that was it. The money he sent me for me to buy what I want was already gone. There was no sense of "personalization". Though I felt special in a way BUT I WAS REALLY EXPECTING MORE!!!

What really upsets me was finding out this morning of him greeting his stupid frat its anniversary with the change of cover and display photo and all! I know it's petty BUT.. SERIOUSLY??? He didn't even greet me on Facebook???

I am really disappointed. Frustrated. I just want to have a normal romantic relationship. Why is it so hard to get? Am I really that bad to deserve this kind of life???

I shouldn't be whining now. I had realizations when I turned 25. I was happy and really contented with my life..supposedly until he ruined everything.

I don't want to settle for less anymore. I don't deserve sacrificing my own happiness all for him. I am just tired. Truly tired. 

I cannot bring this up because I know this will trigger a fight. I know him so well. He is a varsity in blaming game. All these shit will just be reverted back to me.

So, what now? Ignore. Kakaurat na.

Happy Birthday?

Looking back at my previous birthdays, I was excited preparing them. After graduation, I had this annual celebration of my birthday at home. I invite few friends over and let them mingle with my closest relatives.

But this year is different. Despite it's my 25th, I don't feel any excitement at all. Ever since my boyfriend went to Australia, my happiness has gone a bit. My lifestyle has totally changed! I used to be an outgoing person but now I am only at home during weekends. I merely go out to see movies nor at least see my friends. No more weekend gimmicks. No more beers and late night chats. NOT. SO. ME.

I had this feeling of guilt when I am having a good time with other people. I don't know. I don't even "enjoy" the moment. It's still incomplete.

Maybe that's human nature. We can never be contented. When I was with boyfriend, I used to crave for my "freedom". But now I have ALL the time, I dunno. I just don't feel it.

I need to spice up my life. It became soo boring. As much as I wanted to go out or plan travel, it just becomes luxurious and I just left being broke. So might as well, stuck myself at home. And not to disregard so much bills to be prioritized. Whew! Poor me!

Quarter-life crisis? Please Lord show me enlightenment. Huhu